(a bundle of posts from the now defunct slushpile)
how can a person be train-wreck unhappy and giddy thrilled at the same time?
i dunno. but this is me. and it is hard on the system.
the more one thing makes me miserable the more another makes me hopeful.
today was a day of phenomenal ups and downs.
the morning was wonderful.
the afternoon was hideous.
followed by utter sweetness.
early evening was a riot.
a bit after early evening was gut-twisting.
it's fucking crazy.
i will develop a complex. or whatever it is you develop in these situations.
i am getting partied out, you know.
tonight was a work gift exchange - followed by drinking.
tomorrow night is a staff party followed by yet another staff party.
sunday is set-up-for-xmas day.
combine this with the pure hell i've been trundling through in my personal life. it's just a bit much.
all i want to do it curl up to someone warm and rest.
i want to be stowed away and left to this.
i hate being an adult.
posted 12:32 AM
Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me
craving it, you know.
i'm so sad.
i'm extraordinarily easy.
but, it's true.
the smallest gesture is grandly received by yours truly.
the nicest gesture as of late has been in the form of hot cocoa
my head isn't screwed on just right.
and so, i settle for a rapid screwing.
Posted 2:12 PM
it is nearly two in the morning.
i'm at work...procrastinating.
mind you, i answered the bulk of my email and wrote a newsletter.
not too shabby, donchaknow.
it is fucking freezing in here and i'm too much of a twit to figure out how to turn the heat up.
i wonder if i'm coming down with something?
i went to my staff xmas party on saturday night.
had a really good time. nothing spectacular, but i drank, i laughed at people (including myself - im a hoot) and i managed to make it from sloshed to sober without getting ill.
success. wound up not minding the outfit i wore, either.
twas nothing exceptional, but i felt comfortable.
i should try to do some more work here. i am getting sleepy and i have committed to pull an alnighter. there is no more public transit trickling toward my red neck of the woods.
just ate a cup of watered down instant soup.
Posted 1:56 AM
it is now saturday night.
the other slush is down. big fucking surprise.
it is pissing rain.
i found something to wear to my christmas party.
there will be many lovely women in nicer clothes than i can afford to wear. and so i will get drunk and hope my fabulous personality shines forth. unleashed by the fuzzy fingers of cheap wine.
it's been a very strange and upsetting past week or so.
my entire life is changing and i am scared shitless.
half the time it doesn't feel real.
i don't do these sorts of things.
i don't do anything. and here i am contemplating being on my own for the first time in my life.
it is something i have wanted for so long, but now that i am faced with it, it is horrifying.
which must mean, it's the right thing to do.
i worry about silly things.
like dying alone. or worse - spending weekends and holidays alone.
i was told that i am not young anymore. i do not look like i did at 21.
in short, the fruit is withering on the vine. i take a very real risk.
i want independence.
but i am a very social creature.
i like to share body warmth.
i like to hold hands. i like to stroke and be stroked.
i like to rub cold feet up against warm feet.
i like to fuck.
i like to watch SNL with another person and repeat the jokes and share an aftershock of laughter.
i think i want too much.
it's small shit. but it's huge shit.
such a lady i am.
i fucked up the comments in my template and i can't fix it without losing the comments i have.
i am feeling sensitive today.
which usually results in me behaving aggressively.
i am just so complicated.
Like dividing by two.
Or counting to three.
Posted 3:19 AM