Wednesday, December 31, 2003

gather 'round the warm glow of my xmas lighter

it's really snowing.
i will be celebrating the new year in my home, i suspect.
i have been invited to a house party -
all the way downtown.
money is tight and i have a very sore throat.
i guess i will suck it up and leave new year's eve alone.
i don't know what is more alarming...
that it's the first year i won't be whooping it up -
or that it's the first year i don't really want to.

i'm thinking i may just tuck into bed with a bottle,
and maybe some salt and vinegar chips and m&ms for good measure.

first i will tromp around this gorgeous snow for a bit today.
i could use some roses in my cheeks.

(just after midnight)

well holy shit, if isn't the last day of the two thousandth and third year of our lord.
wanna see a photo of me in my bathroom?

i'm feeling rather 'bout another from my late night toilet photo shoot?

what's that? you want to see something even more preening? oh, you!

there is no excuse for this and so i'll make none.

figured out how to properly code images in blogger. figured out how to make the digital images come out of my camera and onto my computer. magical.

did my nails tonight. all digits - top and bottom. contemplated doing something of consequence.

you see where that got me.

good night mo-fos.

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

when we were children, my sister excelled in german.
it was sort of her thing - so i left it alone.
my great grandmother, judita schwartz, (or "little grandma" as we used to call her - she was barely five feet tall) used to screech at us in german.
and so i always think of the language as an urgent one.

i was told by my highschool french teacher that i have no aptitude for languages.
but he did think i had a knack for pronunciation.
he would make me read every class.
one day after he handed back another failed paper he told me my only hope was to live in a foreign country or fall in love with a foreigner - that i just wasn't cut out to learn from a text or in a classroom.
technically i failed the class -but he awarded me an 50-R which means that he knew i failed - i knew i failed - the prinicpal knew i failed - but we all agreed to overlook the pesky fact.
and that, my friends, is how i graduated highschool.

i have told this story before - i think i probably may have even written about it here before - but that's what happens when you switch to blogger...
hmm...this post also has no context...
a briefing: i am thinking about learning german. to become more of a world citizen, if you will.

isn't this what all aging women do? learn foreign languages and take creative writing workshops?
soon i will allow my hair to become more salt than pepper, toss aside my straightening iron and cultivate an appreciation for flowing scarves.

Monday, December 29, 2003

went out in public today.
went to the cbc. i was itching to get back to work.
bought myself some new trainers. black.
it was a trial to go with the sensible shoes.
bought some hose and a new miniskirt.

i am on a very tight budget.
i charmed my landlord into cashing the rent cheque on the 7th.
i have 2 landlords. one is a bush pilot and the other works at a bank.

feel like unzipping my skin and stepping out for a bit.
like a looney tunes character.
it would be such a relief.

you know, it's weird how cars reflect their human manufacturers.
i wonder what the automobile would look like if it were designed by a different species.

i am so multi-faceted, you see.

an advert on the skytrain has me thinking i would like to learn german.
you can take a course at sfu.

i suppose i should rent the film, secretary.
today, another person told me i have to see it.
all i know about this movie is that it has an overt BDSM theme.
what people must think of me.

I’m an island of such great complexity

where's my fucking shady lane?

Sunday, December 28, 2003


All the clocks give in
And the traffic fades
And the insects like a neon choir
The instant fizz
Connection made
And the curtains sigh
In time
With you


i am depressed.
so there.

"The two sexes mutually corrupt and
improve each other."

~Mary Wollstonecraft

i hope that one day i too, will be quotable.

so, i didn't go out drinking.
well, i had some drinks - but i had them at a canucks game.
the weather was too much for my parents to drive in from the valley,
so my dad donated his tickets to me.
great seats. first row behind the glass.

oh, there is just so much to say about the crowd.
maybe i should wait until tomorrow.
the game was boring - the canucks lost.
not that i care. i'm attracted to the spectacle of the whole thing.
the woman sitting beside me was so entertainingly repulsive.
from her canucks jersey and ball cap right down to her seasonal socks.

it was wild being so close to the ice.
to be able to see the players so clearly.
i was reminded of being a young girl watching my brother's hockey games.
even back then i knew hockey players were most often jock goofs -
but it didn't stop me from being attracted to them.
something about the uniform and the hair blowing in the "rink wind"
one of the oilers players was rather foxy - staios.
and i've always harboured a very guilty attraction to bertuzzi and sopel.
but only in a date-rape kind of way.
lots of broken noses...i have a weird thing for prominent noses.
a turn-on of mine.

just to be obnoxious - i dug out my yarn and knitted during the whole third period.
when i got home - i watched hockey night in canada replay and saw myself on tv.

a question: what is with guys and knee-highs? what is the attraction? is it really as base as the whole school-girl fantasy? weirdos.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

it's snowing!
isn't that lovely?
great big fat flakes.

i got my hair cut at the beehive hair lounge.
my bangs were the biggest bangs ever.
nicole cut and cut and cut.
and now i look like i have a fringe rather than a ledge.
a great improvement.
she gave me a few layers here and there.
she is a tiny woman.
i felt sorry for her as i think blowdrying my mounds of hair hurt her wee arms.
i tipped her well enough.
the best news: they will trim my bangs for free. perfect for a poor princess like me.

i have decided to ignore my illness.
yes, my eyeballs feel like hot meatballs.
and true, i am fantastically crabby.
of course, my body aches and my nose is stuffed to the point that no decongestant manufactured by man could make a dent...
but fuck it. it's snowing and i've a new hair cut.
perhaps i will force myself out for drinks.
i told some people from work i would call.
i could treat them to my foul mood and infectious state.
earlier today i said:

i'm sick.
serves me right.
i wish someone would read to me in bed right now.
i need to get my hair cut - desperately.
and now i'm too bitchy to make it happen.
i have a headache and my eyes feel heavy.
i will spend the day in bed.
feeling sorry for myself since no one else will.
it is all just too much.

Friday, December 26, 2003


rather loaded at the moment.
went to kitto (sushi joint) for zaruba soba and sushi.
$3 pints' o draft. what a deal.
i may have overindulged.
i have scarcely been on a computer...of course at least once a day, but i am accustomed to spending many many hours of each day dialed in.
i'm not even looking at my email.
sadly, slushpile is my only portal to the great information superhighway.
(you can never use information superhighway enough)

well, i knitted a misshapen square of red wool.
it's gorgeous!
my shoulders are killing me and i discovered i make a really weird face when i knit. i caught a glimpse and it was bloody frightening. i could be the botox poster-girl.
i guess that's what i look like when i think.
but i don't care. i'm knitting and i said i would and i did.
that is something, don't you know.

the city is beautiful right now.
so many people everywhere.
i don't know if it's the cheap draft, but i'm feeling rather affectionate toward my fellow humans tonight.
even the couple from port-coquitlam who sat stuffing smelly popcorn into their gobs on the skytrain, made me smile benignly.
and believe you me, they were insufferable with their suzy sheir and bobby dazzler shopping bags.
rather big of me, i thought.

i want to go to the polynesian room at the waldorf, astoria for new years.
a friend of mine went there last year and he said it was good.
i wish i knew if they were having a do.
i feel like ringing in the new year aggressively this year.
i feel for any poor fellows near me at midnight.
bring lip balm.

oh yeah! i forgot to tell no one,
my sister bought me david sedaris' holidays on ice for christmas.
i will read it tonight.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

i am very full.
my mother has left food on every surface.
you could not swing a cat in here without hitting grub.
figuritively speaking, of course.
kind of.
my parents have a cat named snowball and some yappy rat-dog named charlie.
my allergies are going mad.
my mother keeps the scale prominently displayed in the bathroom.
i have gained 4 pounds since my arrival yesterday.
i figure i will likely burn off 3 pounds tonight by sneezing.
i look so hot right now...
you would not believe.
red eyes, red nose, swollen from histimine and chocolate.
i ran for a bit in a beautiful place, out here in the valley.
a lovely white church on top of a hill in a heritage park.
very inspiring. my body was most receptive to the exercise.
i may even do it again, soon.

got a very cool lighter, a HBC scarf, and a knitting set for christmas.
i am trying to knit.
a very funny scene. lovely candlelight, skeins of merry coloured wool and me - swearing like a sailor.
i will do this. i will knit wonderful things.
even if it fucking kills me.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

(and i was going to post a sleazy photo of yours truly - for christmas -but zed kept crashing and i couldn't hotlink - count your blessings)

well, i'm off shortly.
i'll likely be away from a computer for a couple of days.
you will miss me terribly.

an interesting aside:
the dirty whore did not like the last 15 minutes of the return of the king. she does not say why...but i agree with her.
we - she and me - have several things in common.

i have a headache.

merry so and so.


my sister-in-law gave birth to twins.
two big boys (7+ and 6+ pounds a piece)
with their 2 year old they are now a family of 5.
very wild.
surprisingly, holding them, i didn't feel the maternal tug i expected.
usually, i get a little baby crazy.
they are gorgeous little things though.
perhaps i will revisit the birthing concept in 5 years time.

went to nick's spaghetti house after.
i had gnocchi - my favourite pasta.
jesus, i can't believe i am actually writing what i had for dinner.
isn't that some sort of "blog" sin?
but it was very good gnocchi.

before bed, took a stroll through bright nights at stanley park.
it's great. gorgeous displays.
and firemen. lots of firemen.
they are the ones who light up the park to raise money for burn victims.
sigh. i'm such a fucking cliche...but for the love of pete, i like firemen.

it is christmas eve, don't you know.
my father will be here shortly to escort the family out to the valley. my sister and her bf are bringing his dog.
it will be a very cozy car ride.
i actually don't mind the dog - stella - a fantastic english springer spaniel. great breed. our family used to have one named schaeffer. i loved that dog. he was such a trooper. sneaky and greedy and neurotic. very human.
he got too fat and arthritic to carry on.
poor little fellow. he is missed.

i am getting pillowier than usual.
i must stop eating junk.
i have terrible eating habits as it is...i am a process food junkie.
this morning for breakfast i consumed 4 chocolate malted milk balls, a handful of salt and vinegar chips and a glass of pepsi twist.
and i savoured this lovely meal while curling my hair.
i am not 19. i am not 19.
if i really needed a reminder of this the brutal truth is a reflection away.
i will avoid mirrors today.

santa comes tomorrow.
truth: i am 31 and since ~ 4 yrs of age, i have not slept through a christmas eve.
i cannot do it. i wake every hour. i love christmas morning.
and - saccharine overload coming - i swear i cannot sleep because i am so excited to give gifts.
i love gift giving.

alright alright, i'm making myself ill.
off with me.

oh, and providence doesn't exactly mean good fortune...
more like "divine direction"-
either way - a very happy coincidence.

Monday, December 22, 2003

i'll make this brief.
went to see "the return of the king" today.
gorgeous film.
a bit cornier than i expected.
and yet i wasn't moved to tears as i was in the last one.
i will say...aragorn - he is so fucking hot.
didn't like him tidied up for his coronation, though.

Sunday, December 21, 2003


rising only to accomplish what must be done...
and collapsing when too exhausted or bored to keep awake.
i understand this and it's not always a bad thing.
but it doesn't have to be that way.
sez who?
sez me.
and i know a thing or two about a thing or two.


(image courtesy of holiday)

i returned my turtleneck.
i bought a few more christmas gifts.
i am almost done.
the mall was disgusting.
there we so many girls in low-rise jeans.
i thought that was over?
it wasn't a total bust...
MAC had the perfume i like in a kit of three different scents.
i bought it, and will give one perfume to my mother and the other to my sister.
my favourite goes to me!
i smell so good right now, i think i'm gonna find a quiet spot and make a move on me.
maybe several moves.
steve martin is very sexy.
i have decided.
BUT, i'm not exactly certain if i would rather be his daughter or his doxy.

Saturday, December 20, 2003


a question:
do you hate this font?
i think i might...
it is irritating in a way.
which makes it oddly attractive to me.
but, then again, perhaps it just sucks.

feedback, won't you please?

it has been brought to my attention that some folks may find the secretive nature of my scribblings frustrating.
i can dig it.
but, really...the details aren't even all that interesting.
and of course, unbuffered truth can be very upsetting to some.
often i get so worked up that i can't stand having this shit bouncing around my head.
and so like the rat-after-the-pellet that i tend to be, i come blast out a few lines here.
rhymeless and reasonless.
it takes the edge off.

anyhoo, went to slickity jim's chat and chew for brunch.
very good food.
my nerves were rattled.
smoked a few too many american cigarettes before the food came.
felt a tad queasy, but a few cups of tea/milk/plenty of sugar set me straight.
the waitresses were awesome.

scored a foxy little vintage dress at burcus' angels.
burcus herself, brought it out from her private stash and declared it was made for me.
she gave it to me for practically nothing.
very 1940's glam.
accents the rack and the gams.
boy howdy - now all i need is a lap to warm on new year's eve.

tonight i opened up gifts from my grandmother.
so far, opening gifts early is one of the few perks of adulthood i've discovered.
a blue turtleneck.
it's alright. a bit conservative for trampy me.
i will go to the bay and turn that turtleneck into cash!
or perhaps that MAC perfume i've been pining for.

as per yesterday's post, the new pair of stockings are obviously a "fellow" magnet.
last night on the skytrain, this guy was making eyes at me.
at first i had no idea what he was doing. (i can be a bit dim about these things - oh the stories i could tell!)
he kept switching seats until he was directly across from me.
but really weird-like...a seat per stop.
i assumed he was trying to see out the window better.
then it dawned on me that he could just look out his own window, rather than mine.
still, i decided he must think he knows me or something.
so i looked at him. he wasn't half bad, really.
nice denim. good eyeglasses. a bit light on the top of the head, but pleasant enough.
i gave him a chance to figure out he didn't know me.
i expected him to quickly look away once he discovered his error.

no such luck.

my bold stare signaled a green light - all systems go.
he smiled - rather too earnestly for my tastes - and wiggled his eyebrows in a comical/suggestive fashion.
i smiled back nervously and immediately started plotting to get off at the next stop - 8 stops before my destination.
thankfully, the canned announcement for 29th Ave station was piped through the train and my transit lothario gathered his bags and made for the door.
i couldn't resist. my ego made me look. i'm just pathetic.
he winked at me. made a nodding motion toward the platform as we rolled to a stop.
i quickly nodded a "no thank you".
he shrugged his shoulders and stepped of the train.
the weirdo then stood on the platform and waved as the train pulled away.
it was actually very funny.
i decided i liked him.
this sort of stuff flatters an aging broad like myself.

the sad end to my tale...
i snagged my stockings.
they are ruined.

the moral of this story...
don't cross and uncross your legs too often or boys will never look at you again.

no. that's not a very good moral.
i couldn't think of anything better.

Friday, December 19, 2003

well, things have gone from worse to worser.
heap on the stress! c'mon, bring it.
i am very worried.
if i knew how, i'd ring my hands.

(image courtesy of holiday)

last night should have been wonderful.
it was a fucking disaster.
spent the night alternating between seething and bawling.
happy holidays, im sure.

today i look like a bag of shit.
a bag of shit with some pretty nice new stockings, if i don't mind saying so.
i figured i could detract from my puffy sour face with some interesting leg detail.
im sure it's working perfectly.
some guy hollered "slut!" from the window of his shiny new PT Cruiser.
in front of an elementary school.
if only he had slowed and given me his phone number.
we could be bouncing around his back seat right this very moment.


oh and an update:
mid-post, i found out that someone has been trying to hack into my voicemail at work.
of course i know who it is.
i am so angry right now i could cause someone serious physical damage.
didn't i say something about angst last time?

Thursday, December 18, 2003


(image courtesy of holiday)

it's a gorgeous vancouver morning in december.
plus 10 degrees outside.
i almost don't miss the snow today.

last night i baked.
i made quiche tarts and nanaimo bars.
and i made a huge mess...
but everything tastes rather edible.

i'm ridiculously domestic, you know.
i like to put on cocktail parties.
in another reality, i'd be a helluva an event planner.
i set a fabulous table.

i take sick pleasure in cooking for/serving men.
i love to refill drinks, fuss over seconds.
i used to try to squelch this in me...but i'm a pleasure slut.
if it feels good..blah blah blah.

i have a wee bit more xmas shopping to do.
if only i had much more money.

hmm...this here's missing something...
a little angst, perhaps?
next time, im sure.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

okay, that was a fabulous musical.
see, how i used fabulous like that? like a theatre person.
no, really. the costumes were gorgeous.
oh, the singing! the dancing!
i swear it. i loved it.

moments ago i looked down and noticed several holes in my fishnet stockings.
looking T-raaaashy.
that sucks. they were bloody expensive.
and they are..ahem...were really nice.

oh well, what can you do?

when you live in a shoe.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

well, i've just been offered a ticket to see 42nd Street at The Centre, here in glorious downtown Vancouver.
i am suspicious of musicals - which is stupid because i've enjoyed every one i've seen.
i think it is just broadway musical fans i fear.

tonight i will have a few drinks, methinks.

i did a bit of christmas shopping today.
ate too many s&v pringles.
disgusting things.
but i did have a salad for lunch.

there is so much to want out there.
i love spending money.
im a cash junkie.
i abhor earning it.
for the record, i am now the proud owner of the lurvliest bcbg/max azaria heels.
i am grateful and appreciative.

a bit of bad news today made me lose the teeny thread of faith i had left.
typical typical typical.
but i expected more.
and that was my first mistake.

oh goodie. i can still hotlink images.
such a dirty word, that.

Monday, December 15, 2003

well, i've finally given in and made the move to blogger.
once upon a time there was a blog and it was called slushpile.
it floated about a service called, which was a nightmare at best .
it would appear that this server is gone forever.
sadly, many of my posts are lost.
perhaps this is not such a bad thing.
i will miss being able to put up pictures.
i am tired and pissy after picking up sticks and moving.
fucking with my template, etcetera.
i'm not in the mood to say much.
lucky you.
(a bundle of posts from the now defunct slushpile)

how can a person be train-wreck unhappy and giddy thrilled at the same time?
i dunno. but this is me. and it is hard on the system.
the more one thing makes me miserable the more another makes me hopeful.
today was a day of phenomenal ups and downs.
the morning was wonderful.
the afternoon was hideous.
followed by utter sweetness.
early evening was a riot.
a bit after early evening was gut-twisting.
it's fucking crazy.
i will develop a complex. or whatever it is you develop in these situations.

i am getting partied out, you know.
tonight was a work gift exchange - followed by drinking.
tomorrow night is a staff party followed by yet another staff party.
sunday is set-up-for-xmas day.
combine this with the pure hell i've been trundling through in my personal life. it's just a bit much.
all i want to do it curl up to someone warm and rest.
i want to be stowed away and left to this.

i hate being an adult.
loathe it.

posted 12:32 AM

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

craving it, you know.
i'm so sad.
i'm extraordinarily easy.
yes. yes.
but, it's true.
the smallest gesture is grandly received by yours truly.
the nicest gesture as of late has been in the form of hot cocoa
and cartoons.

my head isn't screwed on just right.
and so, i settle for a rapid screwing.


Posted 2:12 PM

it is nearly two in the morning.
i'm at work...procrastinating.
mind you, i answered the bulk of my email and wrote a newsletter.
not too shabby, donchaknow.

it is fucking freezing in here and i'm too much of a twit to figure out how to turn the heat up.
i wonder if i'm coming down with something?

i went to my staff xmas party on saturday night.
had a really good time. nothing spectacular, but i drank, i laughed at people (including myself - im a hoot) and i managed to make it from sloshed to sober without getting ill.
success. wound up not minding the outfit i wore, either.
twas nothing exceptional, but i felt comfortable.

i should try to do some more work here. i am getting sleepy and i have committed to pull an alnighter. there is no more public transit trickling toward my red neck of the woods.

just ate a cup of watered down instant soup.

Posted 1:56 AM

it is now saturday night.
the other slush is down. big fucking surprise.
it is pissing rain.
i found something to wear to my christmas party.
big deal.
there will be many lovely women in nicer clothes than i can afford to wear. and so i will get drunk and hope my fabulous personality shines forth. unleashed by the fuzzy fingers of cheap wine.

it's been a very strange and upsetting past week or so.
my entire life is changing and i am scared shitless.
half the time it doesn't feel real.
i don't do these sorts of things.
i don't do anything. and here i am contemplating being on my own for the first time in my life.
it is something i have wanted for so long, but now that i am faced with it, it is horrifying.
which must mean, it's the right thing to do.
i worry about silly things.
like dying alone. or worse - spending weekends and holidays alone.
i was told that i am not young anymore. i do not look like i did at 21.
in short, the fruit is withering on the vine. i take a very real risk.

i want independence.
but i am a very social creature.
i like to share body warmth.
i like to hold hands. i like to stroke and be stroked.
i like to rub cold feet up against warm feet.
i like to fuck.
i like to watch SNL with another person and repeat the jokes and share an aftershock of laughter.
i think i want too much.
it's small shit. but it's huge shit.

such a lady i am.

i fucked up the comments in my template and i can't fix it without losing the comments i have.
very frustrating.

i am feeling sensitive today.
which usually results in me behaving aggressively.
i am just so complicated.
Like dividing by two.
Or counting to three.

Posted 3:19 AM
(a bundle of posts from the now defunct slushpile)

November 26, 2003
spinning head

i've really done it now.
have i done the right thing?
i honestly don't know right now.
i feel sick.
it is the holidays - what have i done?
but to answer any other way would be so unfair to those who deserve so much better.
i am afraid.
and the guilt is worming.
i will lose much.

Posted at 02:56 am

November 24, 2003
party pooper

i have to take down the ugly photo of the sister and me.
she is not happy.
just a few hours more.
she told me she looks like a troll - but i think she looks nice.
i'm the one who looks like an FAS sufferer.

Posted at 12:07 pm


i am so broke.
i pinched a power bar from 7-11
now i have a terrible stomach ache.
stupid karma.

Posted at 12:05 pm

November 23, 2003
the best westerns

photo removed due to the family ties that bind - i'll upload a different ugly photo later
i have my dad's features, my sister is my mother incarnate

i am just a little bit proud of myself as i post this rather unflattering photo of myself. especially when my sister looks great. it's almost heroic of me.
but it is to prove a point to the asshole who insists my sister and i look like twins.
we look nothing alike. and this particular photo is proof positive.

plus, the sister will be annoyed that i've posted a photo of her.
really, it's win/win all around.

Posted at 08:06 pm

whatever are you going on about?

i am afraid i will catch cold.
i have no symptoms. it is just a fear.

at the main

went to see my sister's bf and another friend play at 'the main' last night.
it was great.
the sister's bf wrote and played a song for her.
it was very touching.
and i say this with absolutely no malice nor sarcasm.
it was lovely. the room was lit beautifully and she looked so happy.
there is just something about a boy and a guitar.
seizes those heartstrings and knots them up.
one song he wrote about the passing of his father nearly killed me.
heartbreaking lyrics and many several pints of pil make for a weepy combination.


experienced a weird moment, though.
at one point i felt an overwhelming urge to do something.
i don't know what.
of course i did nothing.
rather, i waited for the feeling to pass or at least develop into an indication for action.
instead it waned and i continued to sit there and observe its passing.
painful and desperate sensation.
bloody odd - from start to finish this lasted maybe 30 seconds.
left me feeling depressed for a bit.
methinks i may be a bit insane.
or in the very least - compusively self-indulgent.

yesterDAY - went to the elbow room for breakfast. it was very very good.
expensive though.
it was my first time.
such a fucking tourist, you know.

i am very poor now.
i have thirty dollars lining my pockets until payday.
why? what is it with me and munney, hunny?
i would like to be a kept woman.
credit cards, nice underthings and other trappings.
and at what cost to me? sex on demand.
i can think of worse ways to fritter away a day.

ambitious me.

camera whore with ouzo candy and beer

Posted at 11:44 am

November 21, 2003

i'm on the mend!
we have reached a stage where lipstick as camouflage is once again an option.
self-esteem is slowly crawling back up with each scabbing.
disgustingly wonderful.

not going in to work today.
had a good night last night.

looking forward to the weekend.
next weekend is my friend's birthday and the cbc xmas party.
i am...optimistic?

Posted at 12:08 pm