Thursday, August 19, 2004

Cuddle Parties

Why am I always the last to know? As usual I am months behind what I'm sure real hipsters have already started to declare so fucking over. Forget cool kid Scrabble nights, nowadays bored Generation- blah, blah blahs actually pay $30 a crack to cuddle with strangers. This is supposed to be a non-sexual experience. Lot's of spooning, snuggling and PG-13 fondling. There is a list of rules and apparently there is also a little bell that can be tinkled if things get out of hand.

Horrifying and appealing in such a sick way. People assume I don't like to be touched. Just because I wear a sour expression and cringe when I sense you exchange air or feel the heat emanating from your body, doesn't mean I don't want you to lay hands on me. Look closer, I swear my body is saying "No, no - God, no!" but my left eye pleads "touch me, touch me now."

Since this is a just barely waning trend in the US, it's time to strike it up in Canada. I am so totally going to plan a spoon theme party. Of course all the guests will have to braid my hair and serve me shots of Amaretto in lieu of any cover charge. I reckon we can do away with a list of rules and instead adhere to a few common sensical guidelines. Hard-ons are not encouraged, but certain exceptions can and will be made.


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