Monday, July 10, 2006

salt pig




Before bed I ate...no, I inhaled half a jar of caper berries. This is how broke I am. I had to choose between mustard and caper berries and the choice seemed obvious at the time. Allow me to inform you that I made the wrong decision. Not only do I feel really, really ill - I am now suffering from insatiable thirst and the more I drink the more water I retain. Who knew brine could cause such problems in life? Well, you can now take my word for it. Even if I wanted to and had the means to, I couldn't have sex right now due to the embarrassing sloshing sound my body makes when I move. And by that I mean that I've tossed back nearly 4 litres of water. I don't know what else would make a sloshing sound in a woman's body, but just so you dont get the wrong idea...

Rent day approaches. At the moment, even with emptying out my overdraft I am $200 short and that's after I get my E.I cheque. The only thing that might save me is if I get paid for a story I wrote a while back. But I'm not optimistic. Rent day is the 15th and my 34th birthday is on the 16th. I will likely throw myself into traffic in the next couple of days so as not to have to deal with either of the upcoming events. I call it dodging two birds with one bullet. You see what I did there, right? Mixed dodged a bullet with killing birds...etc...and so on... Brilliant.

I need an IV, please. I don't think I can manage another sip. I am holding out for several reality shows to intervene and make my life liveable. Please, someone contact the following programs on my behalf:
Maybe just give the Life Network and TLC my name and number. That would be grrrreat...thanks. Shallow? Like a paddling pool, mofos.

17 Comments:

Blogger Sanka said...

I'd like to say something like you know, "Buck Up Kid" or something with equal measures of hokeyism and optimism, but I only drop by now and then and you know, why don't people work at coffee shops? I mean what worked for me is all I can say and all I can say is what works for me is not wanting.
The hardest thing ever for me in my whole life was figuring out that the shit I wanted was shit we're *supposed* to want. Over the space of a few really awful years I looked around at the place we live in and it is about as close to paradise as I think can be got. Now I find for example, I want the "shitty" jobs that most white folks wouldn't dream of wanting. It ain't on the "upwardly mobile" swing or on the "getting ahead" plan. Don't get me wrong, swabbing toilets is not part of my master game plan. But what I only now get is that I need to be going where all the other people dont want to be. "Hit it where they ain't" for those enamored of pithy sportsmanlike crap.
I cant help you, I ain't helped you and to a small degree I'm a little sorry about that. But until you've vested yourself of the cultural gobsmack that even I admit has an appeal, you ain't gonna find what you're looking for.

May the road rise with you.

7/10/2006 10:09 PM  
Blogger Doppelganger said...

Sanka, I'm sure Slush appreciates your philosophical efforts and all, but this is, you know, a personal blog dedicated to -- as the tagline proclaims -- waxing pathetic. I'm sure Slush could find an audience willing to endure obvious, Tavis Smiley-esque, feel-good aphorisms, but it sure as hell wouldn't be me.

My impression is that the woman wants to do work she loves and get paid enough to pay the rent and maybe buy some cool shoes every so often. I don't think the corporate ratrace, monster houses and SUVs are on the master plan.

7/10/2006 11:02 PM  
Blogger krik-krak said...

yawn... its a good thing you're going where others don't want to be. i'll have a latte, please

7/10/2006 11:18 PM  
Anonymous mel said...

I too am finding myself in debt after working full time for 4 years now - ugh. How did this happen? At least you're pursuing an ambition... I'm working *just* to make money right now!

7/11/2006 10:12 AM  
Anonymous n said...

I love you Jen...and sanka you are an idiot.Buck up man O man . You are not an artist are you?.You are a working stiff and un-happy.I should probably proff read this but I am not going to bother . I didn't even finish readng your blahb blah ..post. You just bug me.

7/11/2006 11:24 AM  
Anonymous Mike Anderson said...

Shouldn't that be "divested yourself of the cultural gobsmack?" Or maybe that's me being Mr. Picky Editor. If I had a definition of "cultural gobsmack." I'm sure they sell it at Sugar Mountain.

It took ten years for me to figure out that I couldn't work for other people, and I refused to take the advice of people who said that I should take any, any job at all to make money. Maybe this is why postal workers occasionally participate in "bring your AK-47 to work day."

I applaud Slushie's courage in the face of adversity and being able to tell it, warts and all.

And if you work at a coffee shop and call yourself Sanka, that's one beanery I'm not planning to visit.

Keep going, Slushpile - they probably told Dostoyevsky that he should he should get a real job too instead of wasting his time with all that scribbling.

7/11/2006 10:24 PM  
Blogger trophycase said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/12/2006 9:24 PM  
Blogger Sanka said...

Uhhh... newflash assholes. This ain't about anything you're too fucking clueless to comment on. If "girls" wanna yak about Lindsay Lohan and feel not a wit retarded for loving that delish Prada handbag/ Value Vintage blouse welllll.. I call that "costuming". AKA playacting, aka childlike.
Sympathy can be found between "shit" and "syphillis" in the dictionary - not announcing woe is me on a blog.
And if you inbreds are any indication of "slushpiles" friends, it's not much wonder she feels so shitty. With clueless, brain dead humps like you to rally 'round her no wonder she feels so bereft.
If you pulled "take any shit that's out there" as the solely imparted comment from what I related above, you can feel darned proud of being a self employed idiot. I sense business is good and competition rampant.
Why dont you give her money asshole? Enough with the applause. And I dont mean "lend". I mean just give her all your money. Applause means jack shit when you cant pay rent.
And kindly fuck off with Dosteyevsky dumbass. This girl *ain't* writing Crime and Punishment any day soon. Why? Cuz like you asshole, shes likely afraid to hang out near the "lower classes". Cuz see, they were *actually* pathetic. So take that flavour filled horseshit and shove it.

Apparently you're all rolling in everything but common fucking sense.
You could learn much at shitty, "I'm too good for that" work. You can learn a lot about yourself (unless you're too scared to *really* peer in) and the people (generally not white or university educated... hmmmm...) you might end up working alongside.
Ask that stupid cow Barabara Eisenreich, or assclown John Steinbeck, rogueish Hasek or a few hundred other *real writers* where they learned about *real humans* to write about and they'll be happy to tell you.
Yes, we all love Cintra Wilson's devilishly clever, pureed glammo irony blah dee fucking blah.. how terrifically *naughty*, how *venal*, how *crass* how *edgy*, how BORING. Oh my gosh, look at us, we're so *PRECIOUS*...
That's not pathetic.
It's RETARDED.
ie: something shit-for-brains krik-krak is intimately familiar with. Anybody who drinks lattes should have a coat hanger embellishing their forehead at birth.
And oh... PS "Mr Latte that's just been spat in" Im paying a mortage on my house just off the Drive, so suck that back you dimwit "still paying student loans" white bread ignoramus. Mommy and Daddy had nothing to do with it either - unlike your lunch/iPod/laptop. "Shitty" jobs are for failures and "other" people who are what? Coloured? "Foreigners"? From another frat house?
Really?
Do you think?
How fucking dare you.
They're the same fucking "loser" jobs your grandparents got their heads cracked open fighting to keep. And now, you fat assed, overeducated, "pupil collapsing in the brilliance of your ignorance" white milquetoasts just are "too precious" to explore the "bad" side of the road.

If you people have the fucking gall to tell me that the guy at 7/11 who has a Masters Degree in Marine Biology, the cabbie with a Medical degree, the Orthodontist that's scrubbing floors, all of whom immigrated here, where their education did them no good - these are losers? Nobody told them to give up their "dream" fuckheads. They do what needs to be done and keep moving towards something. At minimum, you need a few fucking lessons in Stoicism you jerkoffs.
What bunch of assholes.
How "edgy".
How "enlightened".
How "brave".

I have a hunch - but just a hunch, trophycase was the only commentator working with a frontal lobe on this one.

Good luck slush. If these are your "friends", do yourself a favor and dump their sorry, pretentious, "latte swilling", gutless puke asses. You will learn nothing about people from them and a lot about Idol reruns and the latest Black Spot in sneakers.
If you can work up the courage to not sell your soul, you'll find a great reward in renting it a few hours a day. Consider it an investment.
Really.
Good luck.

7/14/2006 12:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for that Sanka. Now I don't need my cup of coffee. You truly are a good substitute for Java.

I find it amusing that you think you can strut into here and tell people what to do. Your reaction only reveals how potent slushpile's waxing pathetic can be. You feel compelled to say something. You are powerless to resist her seemingly innocuous complaints.

I've always respected her ability to get under people's skin like that. Quite fascinating, really.

You see, J? You already have a pretty large audience and you can get people worked up without seeming like you're trying too hard. Surely you can somehow market on the following you established at Zed? A column in a paper? You need to be somewhere people can find you.

7/14/2006 7:42 AM  
Blogger Doppelganger said...

Whoa. Time to switch to decaf, dude.

For the record, friend, I grew up rural dirt-poor, and spent several years living with my mom and three other siblings in a one-bedroom apartment, so spare me the condescension and the liberal guilt trip. The working poor don't need or want pity and commiseration from the likes of you.

7/14/2006 10:08 AM  
Anonymous Nescafe said...

"PS "Mr Latte that's just been spat in" Im paying a mortage on my house just off the Drive, so suck that back you dimwit "still paying student loans" white bread ignoramus."

Wow. you sure seem to have a hate-on for white bread. And you own a house in Vancouver? And you pay for it by working in a coffee shop? Or maybe I'm confused. All the hollering and name-calling has me confused. Regardless, I'm sure all the biologists at 7-11 will keep you in free slurpees for life.

7/14/2006 12:36 PM  
Blogger krik-krak said...

Oh phooey Sanka. You have found me out!

7/14/2006 2:45 PM  
Blogger krik-krak said...

Potty Mouth!!

7/14/2006 2:48 PM  
Anonymous nadina said...

I think the open sore an sanka's face is oozing in to the latte. Okay now it is just getting silly. Lighten the eff up Sanka. We are all life expereinced individuals here and to have someone say..get a job stop whinning is just so anger based..this is why us 'dead humps' got pissed off at you. We'll myself anyway.

7/14/2006 5:26 PM  
Blogger Sanka said...

anonomouse sez: "I find it amusing that you think you can strut into here and tell people what to do."

>First of all I tend to stalk, not strut; though I do occasionally shuffle. Secondly,

Sanka said: "what worked for me is all I can say and all I can say is what works for me"

> Yeh... I was telling people what to do. That's really clear from my quote huh?
Hey how's that COMPREHENSION score coming along?

nadina sez: "and to have someone say..get a job stop whinning is just so anger based"

> Well I *didn't* say what you "thought", did I? It seems to you like that's what I'm saying because you want to - like your friends - believe I'm saying something derogatory; when I'm making the effort to be supportive and trying to help this person maybe see things differently. Ya'll seem pretty blind to that. And spiteful. And "Fuck You-ish". Some fall to running their mouths without a thought. (right tic-tac?). So you know what? They get it right back. Clever folks with biased glasses make of themselves formidable asses.

Crowsfeet cawwed: "spare me the condescension and the liberal guilt trip. The working poor don't need or want pity and commiseration from the likes of you."

> LOL. Pity? They gain more *respect* from me then you'll ever earn as an "editor". Good grief, you can't read or "edit" can you? My God, you're shallow and myopic. "Dream" or Bust? Is that your tagline? No sideways, taoist, rough edged, respectful, bumbling, loosely collated, scratched out, eked into other directions in store? Wow. What a shitty dead end life you have. You're empty, sad, omni-minded and breath takingly shallow.
I have a bet with a friend that you take it up the facade.

Maybe some day you small minded knick knackers will gain a cluehold on the reality known as life. Tip: You can be proud, maintain your dignity and still work someplace "beneath" you. On that, who the hell do you think you are to consider something "beneath" you? And what's the "classist" difference between that and the person who actually doesn't think the work is "beneath" them? Right. You have *NO* class. Or dignity. Yeah.. you folks really demolished the hell out of *that* observation.

Your problem are your ego's, your sense of entitlement, the dumbasses that surround you, supplying the same broken, "it's about me" value system you have, and your estimation of your talent.

You ain't nearly as open minded as you think you are.

Oh and hey crinkley eyes, nice job sticking up for people doing work you apparently don't want your friend to end up doing. Nice job "editor" girl. Thank goodness you managed that break with the "riff-raff" huh?

FU

7/14/2006 7:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, no! Sanka is on to everybody! Run!

7/14/2006 11:19 PM  
Blogger schmoley said...

crikey!

7/16/2006 9:32 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home