Thursday, July 20, 2006


Communication is irreversible. I learned this in college. I did not learn anything about grammar. I was taught it, mind you. If you believe the word on the street... then I am a qualified editor. Crazy talk.

I'm miserably lonely. Tonight I sat in an empty room and tried to will it "unempty". I didn't think this separation would wear on me as much as it has. My nerves are raw and I don't feel like myself without the part that's missing. I feel unreal. I can't seem to find relief. And I hate talking about it. I can't explain...


Blogger trophycase said...

Two things.

Thing one: Why would you want to reverse communication? Do you mean like a backward code? Or do you mean that once you know something, you can't unknow it? I'm interested in what you mean, but I don't get it. Are you saying that it's a constant progression, like a brakeless train on an endless track?

Thing two: At the risk of being attacked by your entourage, I'm about to offer a suggestion. I've noticed a few suicidal thoughts (can't find relief, can check out anytime, throw myself into traffic (that one's not so ambiguous)) and while killing yourself, or at least thoughts of killing yourself can be cool, (I've often imagined running a serrated edge across my neck, but the mess? If only there were a way to just vanish, like old cats. Where do they go when they die?)it's not really yourself you want to throw into traffic. (I'm about to mention a book and spell the title wrong, maybe one of your many editors could fix that up for me later) There's a line in The Myth of Sisyphus, something like, There are many ways of leaping, the essential being to leap. I love that line. It hit me hard when I read it. In the book it had this incredible power, for me anyway. I can't tell you that everything worked out for the best. In my case the inspired leap turned out a little like the flight of Icarus. Either way Camus' book is a good read for the suicidal.

7/20/2006 9:18 PM  
Blogger ... said...

i assure you i am not suicidal. not that it's never crossed my mind - in a dramatic way. but despite everything i'm ridiculously hopeful about life. i can't really explain it... at least not here.

of course there ARE times i do wish i had a big fat eraser. and if i did, perhaps there would be days that i would be more than tempted to use it on myself or at least the ugly bits. but mainly i use this space to express myself sans editor. So sometimes i come across as a moron, an ingrate, a malcontent and hopefully sometimes an alright dame.

and communication has always fascinated me. it really is irreversible not that i would necessarily want to reverse it. but then again what if i could? i think it IS a constant progression. and in even more simple terms - once you've communicated something you cannot take it back. you can work forward and try to finesse or alter it but you can't control the receiver. i don't know if i'm making sense here...but the topic excites me. so forgive my muddled language.

however, moreover and furthermore i will pick up camus and give it a shot. i am not exceptionally well-read and i'm always on the look-out for inspiration.

7/20/2006 9:47 PM  
Anonymous nadina said...

I went on an Albert Camus binge in my yearly 20's. I still have the line from The Myth O f Sisyphus in my head ' I have a liking for lost causes'

I don't know about Camus being inspirational reading it is existential philosophy and searching for the meaning in life. In the end the author comes up with there is no point and yet we do it anyway. This is what I got. I found it to be more hopeless than uplifting. However, I did devour every book I could get my hands on.I am still on the planet, a happy malcontented individual.
Having said this ..I am not debating just commenting . I don't want another Sanks out break.

7/22/2006 12:52 PM  
Blogger Doppelganger said...

Funny, I do find existentialism... well, if not hopeful, then at least not hopeless. I like the idea that, in the absence of a definitive meaning of life, or a point for existing, you get to make up your own. It's pretty liberating. Plus, it places pretty much all the responsibility for your happiness on your own shoulders.Frankly, I'd rather be in charge of my happiness than someone else.

Strangely, as much as I consider myself a fairly happy existentialist (except occasionally at 3 in the morning), most existentialist authors irritate the bejeebus out of me. Go figger.

7/22/2006 3:46 PM  
Anonymous nadina said...

Well put Doppelganger.

I do find the duality of life ,the increadable sadness I can feel topped with how beautiful something that is sad can be.

Now this is confusing for me to write. After looking up the 4 priciples of Interpersonal Communication I have seen the error of my ways/life...All this time I figured that by me 'feeling' was enough for people to understand me .

I agree, free will babe. But there is this other element in life that messes up the when shit happens. I don't know but it sure is great to be alive and ponder it.

7/22/2006 4:14 PM  
Blogger trophycase said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/23/2006 7:32 PM  
Blogger Shane said...

I like to think of life as constantly morphing forward movement (in one, many or all directions at the same time). It is a sort of "story" that is always in the process of being corrected or rewritten.

Stagnation is a helluva problem.

... best avoided, methinks.

7/23/2006 9:41 PM  
Blogger Sanka said...

Consider this...

7/25/2006 1:03 AM  
Blogger Sanka said...

I've always found Yahtzee and Gin will often move me past the difficult times of my life. Or morbidly fascinating videos shot in black and white with eerie soundtracks. That shit's like caramel to me.
But of course, nobody understands me.

7/25/2006 1:08 AM  
Anonymous n said...

..that was funny .No really I laughed.:)

7/25/2006 9:44 AM  
Anonymous wineva said...

Slushpile is like catnip to Sanka... he can't stay away. And anyone who references Yahtzee is... well... my parents used to make me play it. The '70s were a cruel decade.

7/25/2006 9:01 PM  
Anonymous Ostro said...

irreversibility of communication is a tempting idea. Oh yes, I think I would be quite ruthless with my past if I had that ability.

I recall a time when you adamantly discouraged this idea, when people proposed erasing comments at ZeD. I'm not sure why I'm remembering this now, but at the time I found your feelings about erasing communication to be brave.

As I mentioned anonymously a little earlier, you should make a living writing a column. Something like Slushpile, but where you make a substantial salary. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I see you competing with the likes of Leah McLaren and Rebecca Eckler. Where you differ is that you're not a spoiled rich bitch. You have you're own voice coming from a different place. McLaren is on leave. Fill her gap and make it something better (her mom is a bigwig at the Globe - the nepotism is nauseating)

7/26/2006 8:28 AM  
Anonymous n said...

ha, I remember wanting to take back some of my comments on Zed..or the internet. Realizing that it was all out there and not just in this little bubble 'safe place' called ZeD.
I also don't have any tatoos. I continually try to erase parts of my past .I t never works

7/26/2006 6:06 PM  
Blogger Sanka said...

uhh... yeh Wineva I'd love to make this all about *me*, though I am deeply flattered I'm making you wet behind the years. I considered referencing S Club, Scrabble and Ouzo but the whole Tina, Rachel and I "moment in Miami" was too overwhelming.
P.S. Hey girl, what's all this "he" stuff you're on about? Did I strike you as a Dickish or whaaatttt?

7/27/2006 3:48 PM  
Anonymous Tie Eee said...

You're a chick? Wow. I don't know about "Dickish" but I guess your writing style has a certain masculine aggression about it. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Interesting, really.

7/27/2006 4:11 PM  
Anonymous wineva said...

gosh Sanka, are you assuming I'm a "she"? For the record, Wineva is the name of the street I lived on in Toronto and the name of my company... and yeah, judging from the amount of general "fuck-yous" in your posts and ad hominem> and ad feminem attacks I assumed you were kinda Richardish...

7/27/2006 10:03 PM  
Blogger Sanka said...

Your writing style is definitely effeminate so yeh, I fingered you as a broad. No that there's anything wrong with that. Or you. Maybe.
Like I care?
I think if you scope out Retarded in the dictionary, you'll likely find something along the lines of "people who play it differently according to gender" or something along those lines. I could give a rats if you're a Liz or a Dick cuz on that score I think there's a lot of crossover. Biology wobbles. Stupid and ignorant however, remain monolithic.
On the whole F U thing, I came in, gave what remains a thoughtful considered, un-epithetic *opinion* and proceeded to have 'ol slushs banal cabal gang bang me. I had a good cry, ate my ice cream, then took out the razor. Quite un-nice I freely admit.
Cuz Winnie Girl, I can play it anyway it goes ...

7/29/2006 9:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, it's awfully cowardly to post anonymously. It's much more fun to know who's panties are tied in knots. "Sanka"? Come on, now. Stop lurking and throwing big-ass stones and people's nice glass houses!

the black kettle

7/30/2006 12:28 AM  
Blogger Sanka said...

oh baby, you had me at cowardly...
here's 2nites playlist in no particulate odor...

Shark Attack Split Enz
Come On Eileen Dexys Midnight Runners
You Just Haven't Earned it Yet Baby Kirtsy MacColl
Drop The Pilot Joan Armatrading
We Can Dance If We Want To Men Without Hats
Old Emotions Spoons
99 Luft (Red) Balloons Nina
Our Lips Are Sealed Go Go's
Girls Just Want To Have Fun Cindy Lauper
Walk Like an Egyptian Bangles
Connection Elastica
Naked Eye Luscious Jackson
All I Wanna Do Sheryl Crow
Annie Waits Ben Folds
Just Can't Get Enough Nouvelle Vague
Never Gonna Get It En Vogue
Ray Of Light Madonna
Intergalactic Beastie Boys
Crazy In Love Beyonce and Jay-Z

and the cool down...
Dominique The Singing Nun

who wants to dance with me?

8/01/2006 12:22 AM  
Anonymous surfsidekick said...

"In this room, I am the absence of room"


8/02/2006 6:32 AM  
Anonymous mao_meow said...

so wise for spam

8/03/2006 7:20 AM  

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