I wish I liked chocolate half as much as sex

Good morning, poppets. I've been avoiding this place for some time now because I find it difficult to restrain myself. A lot has been going on in the real world and when I come here I tend to rant and rave about it all. And I haven't wanted to do that. I can liken the last couple of months to the sensation of walking in a half-crouch through a verrrrry long tunnel that twists and turns like a motherfucker. Sometimes the walls are so close that I'm down on my stomach and other times I can almost walk standing up. In fact, for the last little while I've almost felt fully extended.

I had wedged myself into a pretty ridiculous situation. How low can you go? Well, I'm here to tell you -- pretty fucking low. I wouldn't say something as saccharine as "I'd lost myself"... No, more like I willingly traded myself in for a cheaper model. No new car smell here(gross analogy, but I can rarely resist...)

Hmm, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I can't really speak in the past tense because I'm still not quite "myself". But then again, I don't think I even know how to do that anymore. It's not like I was super thrilled with the old me. So, perhaps I am smack-dab in the middle of an opportunity.

I have no idea what I want. I am trying really hard to resist the familiar flight instinct that has been rubbing its tits in my face. If I give in, I'll find myself apartment hunting or busily trying to make myself disappear underneath the weight of sex and affection. Instead, I will try to remain where I am. I'll sit still and absorb the anxiety and anger like a big girl. It's not fun, but I think it's probably the right thing to do.

And besides, it's really not as bad as you'd think. Sure, I'm uncomfortable -- but I find when I walk around in the outside world, I feel better... or at least more interesting. Either misery suits me or it's just the fact that I've dropped a few pounds, but I find I'm enjoying much more attention from men then I have in ... well, a very long time. And yes, yes I know that's not important etc and so on -- but it's still nice.

I was feeling chatty this morning, but now not so much. Things may be sporadic around here for a bit. Or maybe I'll be posting a dozen times a day. Who knows? We shall sea.

I like you all