True Story

Today a young-ish fellow sat beside me on the bus. Not overly good-looking. Not overly unattractive. The kind of guy who looks like a nice boyfriend. For some reason I started to wonder what it would be like - to have him for a boyfriend, I mean.

I imagined our circle of friends whom we would see a couple of times a week and the cheery meals we would share together. His parents love me, that's for sure. They never let on to him, but his mother confessed to me that she hoped her son would make good and never let me go. It was a difficult decision to move in together. We argued a lot, at first. But, he can never stay mad at me. He is such a pushover, really. Sunday mornings are my favourite. We lay in bed and he shamelessly compliments me from head to toe. The sex is okay. Not mind-blowing, but he gives really good massages and he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman alive.

He's really very sweet, but sometimes I find him a bit dull. My parents think he's perfect. He just landed a really good job and he has enough money saved up to buy a condo. He wants kids. I do too. He's great. Really great.

Sometimes I find it hard to pay attention when he's talking. I always know what he's going to say, so I can often zone in and out of the conversation without missing much. I feel bad about that, but I've never met the people he works with and it seems like that's all he talks about nowadays. I've noticed recently that his profile is weird. His brow slopes just a little bit and his jaw... he kind of has an underbite. It seems to be more pronounced lately. Weird. And his fingernails are really odd. Tiny. Round. Pointless, in a way. If they grow even a little bit past the tips of his fingers they start to split and tear. He can't even scratch himself.

I kind of wish he would give me a little more space. Even now, here we are on the bus and he's sitting so close. I can hardly breathe. The warmth of his thigh against mine is irritating me. Fuck, I wish I could just get off at this next stop and run like hell. Disappear. Never call him again. Run away.

Why does he have to keep shifting around and shuffling his feet like that? I am a bad person. He deserves better. Maybe I deserve better too. Oh my God, if he taps my foot ONE MORE TIME... Why does he keep looking out my window? It's Main Street. It's not like he hasn't seen it before. Oh, and here we go ... he's leaning toward me. And now he's reaching over. I am not in the mood for any public displays of affection or "PDAs" as he calls them (so annoying). And...

Yeah, he rang the bell and got off.

For the record, I wanted to break up with him first.

What?

Paranoia will destroy ya...

I slept terribly last night. In fact, I haven't slept well for a week. Something is stuck in my craw and I can't seem to worry it out. I don't know, things just don't feel kosher and I can't figure out if it's paranoia rolled and coated in raging insecurity or ... what? I certainly don't feel confident enough to trust my instincts - what have they done for me lately? All I know for certain is that I have a nerve pit in my stomach, yay deep and this wide.

This is my last week at work. I look forward to and dread my final day. I need a break, but breaks can be costly. I'm afraid if I disappear for any period of time people will forget about me. Mind you, I have projects ... Lord, do I have projects. So you cross your fingers for me.

I'm tired.

Happiness is a day away

Yeah, so I'm moved into my new place. I love it. It was a tiring process and you'll notice I have the coldsore to prove it. My new home is cozy, warm and completely smoke-free. My landlords (I prefer to think of them as friends - but they're landlords too) are incredible. So incredible in fact, that the morning after a night of drinking and whatnot one of them knocked on my door and presented me with a warm Solly's cinnamon bun. Tip of the iceberg, I'm telling you. I've been touching wood constantly (funny) - to ward off any fucked up jinx I might attract with all this hope and happiness. You hear that, you hagged-out fates? I'm covered, so go fuck with someone else for a bit.

I have only a few days left of work before my contract ends and then it's pogey time. The dole. I've only ever collected 3 weeks of EI in my life and so I'm actually not dreading redundancy as much as I should. I could use the break, really. All this month-to-month living is hard on the body and soul. I will read books, write and sleep a bit. I refuse to panic for exactly one month. It's in writing.

I still do not have a computer lined up - so after the 31st my online presence will diminish until I become nothing more than an un-updated blogger page to you all. It's very sad. You know what else is sad? I have to lose 10 pounds before my sister's wedding. You know what's even sadder? I have to go for a pap test tomorrow. My doctor refuses to refill my prescription baby-inhibitors unless I submit to the evil procedure. I have managed to worm my way out of it for 3 years now. It's been a pretty good run, I guess. Everything happens to me.

My time is up. I have boxes to unpack.




p.s. - it's super disgusting how all my clothing and belongings reek of smoke. I mean, I knew that motherfucker of a landlord's smoke was coming in to my apartment, but holy moly - now that I'm in a clean joint, the smell emanating from my stuff is revolting. very upsetting.

untitled

Alright, so you know the premise around here is me "waxing pathetic"? It says so to your right. Well, lately being pathetic is getting old. Or maybe I'm just getting old. I'm tired. This pity party sucks. I'll be offline for a couple of days - moving, AGAIN.

Gawd, even moping feels like hard work. I want a whole new thingy. Seriously. I want that new car smell everywhere.

A major in intolerance and a minor in misogyny

Hey, are you proud to be a Canadian?

1. Joel Johannesen says:
   

   The intolerant bigot then said:

   ...And here I thought I was trying to say that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and that just because someone’s opinion differs from yours, that doesn’t make them a name-calling intolerant bigot...

   Your opening remark, you insolent little bigot, was this intolerant bigoted remark:

   I doubt this comment will ever make it on to your blog, as it appears you only post comments that perpetuate your homophobic, close-minded opinions.

   Check your head, liberal.

   Posted by Joel Johannesen from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada on 03/14 at 06:01 PM

• Disrespect, unkindness, any form of character assassination, and obtuse or passive-aggressive insults of any kind at all whatsoever against Joel Johannesen will be CENSORED by Joel the CENSOR

Now that's entertainment! This god-fearing fellow was born and raised in Vancouver AND he attended both college and university. What I don't get is why he keeps using the term "state-run"? We don't have any states...right? And what do you want to bet he was getting a little turned on when he typed "insolent little bigot"?

I'm afraid of Americans.

Um...yeah

"I could probably finish a Ph.D in, like...a year." - thaumata

sought after laddy

oh, the fellas at myspace just can't get enough of me!

dear,

how u doing dear?? i went view your profile u look beautiful , i must say you are the kind of laddy i have been looking for all the days of my life..... i dont care how u look like or what u look like , am just intrasted in knowing u. cos love is from the heart... and am going take of u and make u feel like a real woman ...make u happy in everything. babe real love comes from the heart of a good man ...

Time to lean, time to clean ...

Well, what do you expect?
Too much.
See, that's your problem.


Today was crazy and full of curry, fraud, phonecalls and Belgian waffles! Plus, a Masala Dosa-induced belly ache and a gently copped feel.

I don't know, man. It's been said of me that I look for opportunities to be offended, and maybe this is true..sometimes... But to be fair - some shit IS just totally offensive.

I've got reservations about so many things.

It doesn't have to make sense. There's no law.

stone cold smoker

I'm freezing my tits off. Since I gave my notice, my landlord has made no effort to keep my apartment warm. He's also been smoking his head off. I imagine him down there...lighting up one filthy roll-your-own after another, exhaling toward the ceiling, middle finger stiff and directed heavenward - a big "fuck you very much" to yours truly. Mr. Richard Smoker. Tobacco stained bastard.

Today I hired movers. Good thing I'm comfortably wealthy, otherwise paying strongmen to move me would toss me into a terrifying poverty spiral. I move on Sunday. Man, oh man, I hope I'm doing the right thing. I need to start my job hunt in earnest. Apparently Adbrite isn't going to cover all of my rent. I cannot tell you how long my bangs are. It's truly amazing.

Tonight I'm nursing some fresh old wounds and now I have a stomach ache. Insecurity is a fearsome thing. I wish I could just seal parts of my brain off. Instead, I'm drawn to the sore spots in my head. You know that good kind of pain? Like when you push at your gums with a fingernail...? No? Maybe that's just me. Well, nevermind...this isn't like that. There's no satisfaction whatsoever. Just uneasiness and a vibrating fear that I'm an idiot.

Then again, maybe it's all mountains and molehills. I wouldn't put it past me.

We'll pick this up later.

Kisses on your lipses.

Television soothes me

Um... I'm supposed to be packing right now but I've been waylaid by a new teevee show, Sons and Daughters.

It's pretty good and sure beats packing boxes. Someone told me that the chick from MuchMusic (the one all the fellows get wood over -youngest VJ ever, adorable overbite, blonde, kicking body...to each his own) - is in it. I disagreed. In fact, I was totally sure of myself until I went to find a link for this post. It sucks to be wrong. Stupid Amanda Walsh.

I'm worried. One has nothing to do with the other. But I felt I had to share. I have a nervous pit the size of a...very big nervous pit. And what was up with Charlize Theron's Oscar dress? And let's not even discuss how every time the camera roamed over her she looked like the biggest drag. Ever. Decidedly unfun.

Cash cow

Hip hop, hippety-hop, hip hop hippety-doo! Thank you, Mr. Yutai for your donation. I heart you and to show my appreciation... I dedicate to you a poem that was sent to me by my new internets friend, Rosario.

nickelplated exhausted sunburn proud initial
deftly unthinkable road crevice scum
swill bond barking douses place
phantasm luxuriant whitewashing spittle ruling
soutane spur hallucinations dressmakers ancient
expand whoever shaft brooms withdrawn?
mangled annual girls rapidly starts
darkness museums tenor beautiful seals?
dipped infernal floats temptation disappointment
wrong bird refuses insane looks
pent thousandyearold acquaint roasting flag
independent wrote staghorns dearly embellished

Best Regards,

Rosario Geraldine

Yutai, Miranda and Prohom will all go to heaven. Wouldn't you like to meet them one day?

Here we go now

me and my laptop in happier times

Okay,I have now collected $35 from my faithful readers. So....anybody got a laptop for $35? Well, actually... $20. I need a bang trim as I can no longer see, and if I can't see there's no point in trying to write anyhow. I hope y'all are catching my drift...

In other news... it's a fresh week and here's hoping this one sucks much less than the previous. I mean last week was fraught with general unpleasantness that I'm only just sort of recovering from (provided I don't think too much). I watched the Oscars. I ate. A lot. I got the herpes on the lip. I'm broke. Wicked.

15 more days until I am unemployed.
11 more days until payday.
6 more days until I move.

You wish me luck or just give me money. I'm cool with the less personal touch.

A very merry unbirthday 2U

(photo used
without permission
- big whoop)

On this day, 36 years ago, pretty Doppelganger was born.
Nicely done.

The Rhythm of the Night

Okay, so I'm taking a quick break from a shit-load of work that has just been dumped on me and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decide to take a boo at 50 Books. After Doppelganger blew my mind I felt compelled to check my own biorhythm.

Your general well-being is momentarily moderate.
Tendency: It's getting better. You will have a critical curve today!
Emotional: You're nervous or unsure, or feeling an inner emptiness - that's just the way it is right now.
Intellectual: You are quick at repartee and see everything very clearly. You recognize mistakes at an early stage.

Moderate well-being. That's a bit glass-half-full, if you ask me. But the rest is pretty bang-on. I must learn to consult the Biorhythm chart before I start my day...because a little warning never fucking hurt anyone.

Riches!

I received my first real donation today! I cannot tell you how very thrilling this is. There are good people in this big nasty world. Thank you, Miranda. Your site is lovely. You will get a juicy role in the book.

Okay, so I'm now on my way to owning a laptop! Nice.

In case you were wondering, this is the only good thing to have happened today. Otherwise, this has been a spectacularly horrible day. Sickening.