Saturday, June 28, 2008

I'm the coolest... or AM I?

So, we're firmly into 2008 and I still haven't been discovered. I'm starting worry a little. I mean, can you even be discovered when you're 35? (Yes, 35 -- I have 3 weeks before the odometer clicks). It's not like I'm just sitting around waiting for someone to bookmark me under superstar -- I gave that up months ago. No, I put myself out there. I do stuff online. I leave the house everyday. I smile at people. So, you tell me why my genius remains basically undiscovered? TELL ME. I'll do anything... Except network. I can't. I'm not being precious here. I have a phobia or something even more serious... a... disability even. It's like being allergic to the sun, except I'm allergic to face to face contact with strangers. But, give me a computer and I will make you fall in love with me.

This is why I adore online communication. It's a magic machine that transfers awkward fumbling into verbal repartee. It's like a webcam tilted to just the right (slightly aerial) angle with the candlelight effect on. And for all the obvious bullshit people exchange online, I think it's actually a very honest medium. I'm much more attractive/funny/smart/creative online, but I don't think it's a misrepresentation of who I am. It's who I aspire to be and who I can be if the environment is just right. And shouldn't we all have the opportunity to put our best feet forward?

People are braver online. I mean if you HAD to hang out with Mel Gibson wouldn't you rather hang out with him as Braveheart instead of kind of racist, short, real-life Mel? Okay, that's a bit of a literal analogy with the whole brave/Braveheart thing, but it's hot outside today.

Hmm... I mentioned that I could make you fall in love with me but I overlooked the flipside. It's just as easy to make someone hate you online. Okay, it's easier. But to make you love or loathe me in the physical world would require more extreme behaviour than shooting my mouth off online. And really, I just want to know I've incited something in someone in this life. So, I'll stay right here in my digital trailer and wait for the director to call me to the set.

Enough about me, have you heard that horrible song "I Kissed a Girl"? Jaysus, now I remember why commercial radio sucks ass.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before...

I may be repeating myself here... but have you ever noticed that pancake batter smells a little bit like semen?

On a totally unrelated note, I'm starving. Time to make dinner.

Sunday, June 15, 2008


"My eyes are hazel except when I'm angry or turned on... they go green."

This has to be one of the most irritating sentences ever uttered. I heard a woman say this to another woman as they walked slower than molasses in front of me along Main Street this afternoon. I snickered loudly, hoping she would turn on me so I could get a look at her flashing green eyes. Why can't people with hazel eyes just be hazel-eyed? I have hazel eyes. And when I'm turned on or angry (or sometimes both at the same time -- sexay) they flash... hazel. Not quite green, not nearly brown, maybe a little grey -- HAZEL.

I understand why some people find the colour a bit noncommittal. It's not blue, not green, not brown -- it's all and none of those colours. It's the colour of water rushing over creek beds and nutty hued wood and moss and summer storms. Jesus, the injustice suffered by this eye colour has driven me to poetry! I'll wrap this up before I slip into couplets and just mention that I also have a grandmother and an aunt both named Hazel. Emotionally-induced green eyes...pfft.

And don't even get me started on 'brown-eyed girls". I wonder had Van Morrison known how many assholes would adopt that song as a personal anthem, would he still have recorded it? Hindsight is 20/20.

I'm off to make potato salad. You know, the nice kind with oil, vinegar and salt and pepper.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Kvetching up

I... I don't even know where to start... I reckon I've been remiss for so long, not many eyeballs roll over this page anymore. It's not my fault. Life caught me by the panties and hung me up on a coat hook and I've been hanging on the wall ever since. I've been fighting the government, the CBC, my mind & my traitorous body. Busy, busy, busy!

I don't have the energy to give all the details -- but basically Revenue Services BC. on behalf of MSP (BC Health), decided to garnish my wages for outstanding fees. Fees that apparently weren't rec'vd from the CBC for three out of the four years that I worked there. The kicker is that the CBC was deducting money for MSP from of my pay the entire time. Now, you can just imagine all the fruitful phone calls I had to make. Finally after many frustrating conversations with CBC HR, I got someone to admit that they did indeed take my money and did not pay MSP. Armed with this information I figured I'd be cooking with gas, but Revenue Services was not sympathetic and informed me that they would continue to garnish my wages until all the necessary paperwork was processed. Sweet Marie.

Paper work. The CBC had to fill out a form and send it to MSP. Then MSP had to process the form and send CBC an application to fill out in order for them to accept the money that the CBC owed for my account. I was told that there's approximately a 4 month backlog for MSP to process anything. Add the amount of time it would take for all this information to be passed on to Revenue Services and we're talking easily half a year during which my wage would continue to be docked $250 a pay period. I nearly went out of my mind. No one would listen. I had a letter from CBC HR admitting to the 'error'. I offered to fax it to Revenue Services and asked them to please put a hold on the money sucking until all the paperwork was processed. No go. The fuckers weren't interested in my letter. There's a process that must be followed and that process involved making me destitute. $500 a month was $500 I simply didn't have. Unless I cut out some of life's frivolities like eating or getting to work.

I started writing to my MLA and my MP. My MP, the "Honourable" David Emerson, assured me that he would look into it. I never heard from him again. However, the office of my MLA, David Chudnovsky, was incredibly helpful. God bless the NDP. They managed to get Revenue Services to give me a 45 day stay of execution. Mind you, it's pretty fucking unlikely that I'll have maneuvered through all the bureaucratic bullshit required in that amount of time, but at this point I'll take what I can get. I think I have 5 days left. Still, it was more than I could do. MSP wouldn't even speak to me. And Chudnovsky's office has promised to continue to support me. Nice.

Some good news: In order to fill out some of the required forms I had to file my taxes... from 2002-2007. Yep, I am now a recovered tax evader. And wouldn't you know it, I have a gigantic tax return to the tune of $11,000. I won't see a dime of it as it will all go to cover my student loan arrears, but still... A fair silver lining. I wonder if those fuckers (the guvment) would have hunted me down so ferociously if they knew they owed me all that dough-ray-me? And even though I won't get the money, it feels pretty good to be a legit citizen. I've even started paying back my student loans. $100/month that barely puts a dent in the interest, but baby steps.

To make a long story longer, I've been getting fucked pretty hard by some big corporations over the last couple of months. It's crazy because the CBC has done this to three other ex-employees that I know of. Two of them were sacrificed to a collections agency and the other had to basically give up a few months of his life to argue with some French guy from the CBC HR dept. It's ridiculous and shameful. HR didn't offer to help me at all. In fact, when I asked to be reimbursed for the amount that Revenue Services wanted, I was told that the CBC does not do business that way. But taking money from employees and leaving them without health care IS how they do business? Cheers.

Blah, I don't expect anyone is reading anymore. But I felt I had to get the back story down because intend to bitch about this situation. A lot. Especially once my 45 day reprieve is up and they giving me the squeeze again.

In other news, today has been a really shitty day. I want to move out of this city. I've grown wary of the nooks and crannies of this place. I can't seem to turn a corner without some nasty reminder or small humiliation ambushing me. Oh, yes I know... popular opinion is that you can't run away from your problems. But, that's not entirely true. Sometimes you can pull up stakes and leave ugly things behind you. There may be new ugly things waiting for you in the future, but at least you've put some real estate between yourself and the old ones.

My fingers are cold. I'll go now.