say you lost your wallet.
and say there was a fair amount of cash in it.
and let's say, for the heck of it -
some woman finds your wallet.
nice.
but she calls you and leaves a voice message
telling you she has it
and will call you later to discuss a reward.
do you really want to give a reward?
does it not feel like blackmail?
is she still a good samaritan?
she seeks profit from your misfortune.
so, she calls you back.
turns out all the cash is still in the wallet.
close to $140.
and you feel compelled to tell her to keep half.
she does not protest. not once.
not a single "no,no,no - i couldn't" noise.
she takes your money and returns your wallet.
you paid $70 to a woman for being decent.
i dunno. seems pretty steep to me.
but, im just that way.

got a call from winnipeg today.
should have been a nicer experience
than it was.

Because today I don't feel worthy
You seem so beautiful and strong
These unsure hands could never soothe you
Too afraid of doing something wrong

ah, sebadoh.
such lovely melancholy lyrics

had a good weekend.
went to two parties
and attended eatvancouver
where peter filmed me and lisa eating.
hot stuff. good fun.
that makes for a pretty crazy couple of days
for an old broad like me.

at the second party
i met the most fascinating woman
she writes for nudie mags -
a market i've always wanted to crack.

ive had a lot of time to sit around
and think this wknd.
i've added two goals to my list:

get published in an american girlie mag
get involved in the vancouver burlesque scene - somehow

these thoughts are fun distractions from heavier darker thoughts.
plenty of time for that.

i have to get something published this summer.
there, i put it in writing.
now i have to do it.

i'm running scared, you see.
i don't feel like a writer at all these days.
not that i ever really did.
but at least when you have published material
under your belt,
you can fool yourself
and more importantly, others.

so, i have set a goal.
one published piece by september.
it's been well over a year since
my words appeared in print for pay
frightening.

i am very tired today
and rather bitchy
it will pass, i suppose

just had the most delicious sashimi

i have been left to my own devices for a week.
a weird feeling.
not entirely good.

see kiki? she is cooler than you.


a glorious sunny day.
an up and down sort of day.
the ups were exceptional
and the downs were manageable
can't ask for much more.

did a little bottle tanning
look a little less pasty
but the lord giveth...
i have sprouted a grand blemish

i want to be kiki.
can't help but be impressed
writing a book in spain,
indeed.

holy moley.
i am so very tired today.
there has been a death in the family.
i have put off thinking about it.
i think lack of sleep has allowed reality to barge in.
it is complicated and sad.
and beyond me.

didn't really taste like delivery

another day, another dollar.
i am very hungry.
waiting for a frozen pizza to cook.
i wonder if it will taste like delivery?

i took a gamble and ordered shaw highspeed internet.
why a gamble you ask?
well, you see - when i moved into my apt there was cable.
free cable.
ordering shaw internet meant the possibility
of losing my free hook-up.
guess who lost?
yup, me.
no more conan o'brien, no more weather channel,
no more bill kurtis saturdays...terrible.
i can't really afford cable.
sucks to be me.

i have a hangnail.
it tortures me with it's hanging on.
i could bite it off -
but that is...distasteful.

i want a perfume.
it's a lady thing.

a woman at work is planning her trip to NYC
i writhe with jealousy.
i am resigned.

great song on zed:
Betty's Trash

what a strange day.
woke after a good three and a half hour's sleep
bitchy and with a tenuous grasp on reality.
rational thought seemed to be beyond me for
the most part of the morning.
happy to put this monday to bed.

i've been reading Cosmo for the last few days,
and dear lord, what a great read.
it's been ages since i've picked up a copy.
raunchy stuff, but really very educational.
here are just a few of the cover stories:

"What SEX Feels Like For a Guy"
"Little Words and Gestures ALL Men Crave"
"His Hidden Hot Spots"
"Kama Sutra Special - 10 Thrilling New Mattress Maneuvers"

every page jam-packed with randy goodness.
i think i will start reading it regularly again.
haven't had this much fun with the gloss since Tiger Beat
screw those lifestyle lit mags - i'm far more inclined to
pledge the Cosmo girl sorority.

it's "cleanse" time again at work.
i wish i had the discipline to join in.
i joked today that i would start my own cleanse
based solely on wild turkey and bars of exlax.
no one laughed. crickets.

on the bus home a very tall man stood next to me
i caught him leaning over and smelling my hair
he didn't even look embarrassed,
he just smiled and me and said "nice".
like a silly goose i was flattered
and waddled home with a smile.
easy

thursday night is the best night

or so i used to think.
don't suppose i care much anymore.
there may be some residual affection
i guess i still look fondly on the day.

i wanted to watch tv in bed tonight
i not lying in bed
i am not watching tv
you can't always get what you want

i am at work
a few hours ago i had drinks with friends
while the rest of the chumps watched the game,
we enjoyed wicked conversation...
making fun is fun.

my neck is sore
i need me one of those personal massagers.
the Consumers Distributing catalogue used to stock
a personal massager that looked ever so much like a vibrator.
it would be funny to whip one out and start
massaging my neck with it at work -
or on the bus.

i am sleepy.
i think i am going to leave the
grey confines of the cbc now.
i would like to pass out on my pink pillow.

you know how you always say you're doing the best you can,
and you know how you are almost always lying?
i am using the universal "you" here.
you know?

if i don't get a haircut soon,
i will forget the colour of my eyes.

a little black cloud has descended.
it highlights the corners of my apt
once upon a time i found my place
cosy and calming -
now i see and feel the dinge
rioting in the shadows.

ooh an update!

well, a few hours have passed.
feeling less pissy.

bought me a new pair of them yoga pants.
(seeing as my rent cheque was returned to me)
see me making water into wine!
granted, they aren't the crazy expensive lululemon gear.
i'm not stupid nor wealthy enough to blow nearly $100 on stretch pants.
nope, these are knock-offs,
and no, i don't practice yoga - i'm far too high-strung.
but, i do enjoy the comfort of these soft, yet very tight pants.
now i understand why almost every woman in the west end
flits about in painted on exercise wear.

and so now i am back at work.
sitting comfortably cross-legged in my new
accommodating pants.
listening to party skirt
a sexy little song.

which reminds me, i said i would write about my party.
but i've just discovered a blemish percolating
on my cheek.
i've lost my motivation.

not much to say anyway - except that it was fun
and i know some very nice people
i consider myself fortunate to enjoy such
fine company.

.



earlier


what a shitty day
and it's not even half over.
my rent cheque was returned
because the bank has decided my signature
no longer matches the form i signed for them nearly
15 years ago.
fair enough - i don't write my name with bubble letters anymore -
but, why now? why do they decide to get vigilant with my first
month's rent cheque?
now i have to pay them an extra $25 and pay in money orders
from now on, because they no longer trust me.
what a pain in the arse.

i cleaned out my old apt last night and now
im stuck with a tons of shit i don't have room for.
in short, cleaning and moving out of the old place
was a disaster.
not only did i have to impose on someone whom
i really shouldn't have,
but the evening ended in exhaustion and a damaged
rental van.
it will cost loads of money.
good thing i don't have any of that.

hmm..what else?
i have to leave work early today when i really cannot
afford to do so.
i do not want to go home - the place is a disaster.
hate coming off as a flake.
i really need a home computer.
also - pretty sure i've lost my ability to write.
check that - i'm positive.

all i want to do is go to sleep for a very long time.
lounge in bed for a day.
go for a late leisurely lunch
and then return to bed.
decadent indulgence. therapy.

oh - i had a party on the weekend.
when im not in such a putrid mood i will
write of happier things.

obnoxious and tragic wilco quote o' the day:

phones still ring
and singers sing
speakers are speaking in code
what now?
well anyhow,
our prayers will never be answered again

wednesday night.
i reckon the canucks won,
judging by the hooting and hollering
outside the window.

it was my sister's portfolio show tonight
that is to say - sort of a graduation ceremony.
she completed the program from which i dropped out -
the print futures professional writing program
i ran into instructors and old classmates
folks i haven't seen in ages.
people i had tucked away and put in my pocket.
it was odd to see them alive.
not entirely pleasant - but certainly not terrible.

went for drinks
exchanged business cards
gripped arms and swore to keep in touch.
all in all, a jolly warm evening.

and now...
i sit at the cbc and it is fucking freezing.
an unholy sort of cold - damp and unforgiving.
the people who rant and rave how the cbc
squanders tax payers money have never
seen me hunched over my desk, using my
desklamp for warmth.
fear not canada - the cbc is frugal.
believe you me.

i am hungry.
hungry for stew.
and cornbread.
i had nachos and beer tonight.
the opposite of satisfying.

funny thing:
someone asked me why i do it.
i blushed and answered,
"i'm sorry, i don't know your name."
true story.

kisses to all who consider that sort
of behaviour a sign of affection.
a blank stare to the rest of you.

oh i would like to be tucked in.
i could use a little coddling.
and that is not a baby fish.
good night.

weekend recap:

Friday:
-attended the zed wrap party
-drank tequila
-went to karaoke
-drank more tequila
-performed human calculator
-danced, said foolish things, fell down a bit
-had a gay old time
-ended on a sour note, im afraid. water under the bridge

Saturday:
-ate a lovely meal
-made rice krispie cake
-ate celery sticks and cheese whiz
-watched a satisfying SNL
-slept well

Sunday:
-bit of a rushed morning
-forgot my manners a bit
(couldn't be helped)
-bought a mattress
-ate pizza on the beach
-watched the end of the junos
(alanis looked old and the furtado performance was embarrassing)
-didn't bother to open my sofa bed. i mustn't be so lazy.

and now it is monday. my contract ends in a few days and i am tying up frayed
ends. i am very worried about money. i was incredibly stupid and bought myself
something new to wear. and now i will suffer horribly. abject poverty is imminent.
i will likely not make my rent. i need to make a quick buck. several quick bucks.
looks like blowjobs or waiting tables. mind you, i suppose i could child-mind.
but i lack patience.

im off to spend precious money on coffee.
oh, will i ever learn?

complain complain complain
its a letter writing campaign

BUT...
it's a gorgeous sunny day
here on the coast.
smells like childhood
sun-baked construction site dirt,
cut grass, car exhaust
and hotdog stands.

makes me want to lie on a lawn.
wish i owned a patch of grass.
guess i could go to a park.
but, what a commitment.