next time don't ask me how i'm doing

Today I have a mad, sad, thinking-about-the-things-that-she-never-had (mmm, mmm, mmm - take it easy now) feeling going on.

And THE hugest anxiety pit is taking up some serious real estate in my stomach. I felt it expanding throughout the day and by 4:30 PM, I was pretty close to freaking out. After 7 hours in the "office" with no windows, no circulating air and nearly a dozen people - I had had enough.

I left only to endure perhaps the shittiest bus trip home. Ever. Crammed between two burly guys, I sat at the back of the bus - poaching myself in hate. Very unhealthy. I haven't been in a mood this black for quite a while. All this makes me feel very lonely and verrrrry sorry for myself, indeed.

And so I'm going to try to sleep it off. Since I've nothing nice to say, I will do like mother always said and shut the fuck up. No, she never ever said that, but it felt right put that in there.

I hate sleeping alone. But I do enjoy stretching out. I hate that I just went and found a silver-plated lining to the whole sleeping alone unpleasantness. Let the resignation begin.

I pity the fool who crosses my path before this little black ache works itself out.

damn you U.O!

I. Want. This.

small caps. big news.

wait this just motherfucking-in! shopping news!

man, i have to pull my head out of my ass and read other people's blogs more often. this is good and bad news:

good - because i really like Urban Outfitters and now i won't have to go to seattle anymore. bad - because i really like going to seattle and now i have one less reason. also, everyone in the whole world will be wearing the same gol'darned signature Urban, ratty-type, off-the-shoulder, anti-fit shirt - including ME.

however, moreover and furthermore i am not convinced that h&m is coming. i hear this every few months. fool me once...

young people today

It's Saturday night. Aiight. Ohhhh yeh. Snap. Guess what I'm doing? No, really. Guess. I'm looking at my foot. Oh, wait, now I'm licking my top lip and considering rifling through my purse for some lip balm. Man, I rock.

Um... yeah, so, I quite like Lily Allen. And yeah, I'm aware that she's big with the not-nearly-as-old-as-me set, but whatever. I'm totally ok being that old chick who slowly leeches the cool from the young folks' tune-age. Very satisfying to say 'tune-age'. Sad and satisfying.

What was I going on about? (I went for the lip balm and lost my place) ... Ohhh, right... Yes, Lily Allen and the fresh-faced young people... Well, I love the YouTube vid below. Funny young girl and her brother. Especially funny when she starts going on about having herpes at the end.

to do list

I still haven't cleaned up after my Christmas party - held on December 22nd. This is gross. Well, I did throw out the big-ass bowl of egg nog that no one drank but me and of course I threw out the dirty paper plates and cutlery... I'm not a pig. No. Just maybe a bit depressed and a bit busy.

I had a shitty day, thanks for asking. Asthma getting me down. I'm tired and bored tonight. So, I reckon I will hit the hay early-ish.

I'm in a frustrated annoyed state of mind - time to sleep it off.

Gnite

my own personal...

...motto: Dare to be naive


Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

would you pick me up?

I got a Nano for Christmas. Yes, I did. I am lucky.

Last night I was listening to music and trying to fall asleep. Not very smart. I can't really sleep to music - the lyrics tend to engage me and keep my mind from deadening and dulling enough to drift off.

Anyhoo, one song that kept me from the land of Nod was Hello Saferide's The Quiz . I won't bother telling you what it's about - if you watch the video that I've so generously embedded for you and listen to the nice and literal lyrics, well, its uber self-explanatory.

Personally, I found the song charming, funny and kind of sad in a way... but mostly happy... maybe not happy - hopeful, is more appropriate.

Can you sleep when I grind my teeth
Do you look away if I slob when I eat
Will you let me be myself
Can you at all times wear socks, because I’m still scared of feet

Have you slept with any people I work with
Is there anyone you’d rather wish I’d be
Do you still keep pictures of old girlfriends
Are they prettier than me

And if I’d fall, would you pick me up

Mind you, it sounds like this woman has had her man trubbles. If you get a chance, listen to Valentines Day and iPod Xmas.

2007?

Well, it's a new year. Boy, oh boy, last year was something wasn't it? For me, for the most part, it sucked. If I were to make a list and divide it down the centre with room for 'good stuff' on one side and 'bad stuff' on the other...well, it's as plain as the nose on my face! And if you've seen the nose on my face then you truly understand how obvious the answer is.

'Twas a year of particularly hard knocks: unemployment, betrayal and a challenging path to forgiveness (I'm still stumbling down this particular path), a family death and other nasty bouts of crisises.

Don't get me wrong, I had a laugh or two last year. It wasn't all bad. It's just that of all the years I've tucked under my expanding belt, this one was one of the worst. This past year did not make me a better person, I didn't learn any lessons that will make me happier or whole - but that's ok. That's what this year is for! I'm a big fan of resolutions, you see and my resolution this year is for life not to suck so much and I figure because last year was so shitty, I've nowhere to go but up. I mean, this year's resolution is as good as in the bag. Oh, and Fate - I know you're reading this - seriously, don't even THINK of fucking with me. For real. Consider yourself warned. Not this year. Not in my Canada.

Right, then. So, yeah. Better year. I'd like to recover a smidgen of my self-esteem and maybe learn to trust people again. I'd like to not have to wince when I hear the ringing of a cell phone in the night or when I walk past certain landmarks. I'd much prefer it if an open email or browsing history didn't make me feel sick to my stomach. I'd like to be a better friend. I'd like to heal and mend broken relationships - maternal, parental, etc and so on. Oh, and I'd like to lose 15 pounds, start smoking so that I can quit and make the world a better place.

God bless you everyone.