Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I'm self-employed, I love to work at nothing all day

Friend #1 to me and Friend #2: "I think that the three of us should volunteer for the film festival!"

Me: "Sure, why not?"

Friend #2: ...
So, I'm officially a VIFF volunteer. My friends, however, are not. Colour me a sucker. Oh well, it should be interesting and I guess it couldn't hurt to meet some new people. Even though, technically, I hate meeting new people. And guess what? I know fuck-all about film. My good friend Acquilad said it best: "I hate film. I love movies."

I just finished a delicious New Town Bakery pork bun. Delish. However, moreover and furthermore - do not order the chow mein. Or the BBQ pork and rice...or the noodle soup. Yes $4.50 for a meal, is indeed to good to be true.

Monday, September 25, 2006

september 23rd

wow, another september 23rd has past. crazy. i will never forget the first one, nor the second...and oh, how about the 4th one? don't even get me started on the others!

i am blessed.

Thursday, September 21, 2006


I just woke from a nightmare. F-f-freezing. Had a hot bath. It's so late. I have to be up in a few hours. I am a stress kitten - to the max. I like saying 'to the max' - I must remember to use that aloud more often.

I just sent a mass email to a variety of different therapists. The closest one to free gets to fix me! I'm sure my inbox will be stuffed to capacity in no time.

I will try to sleep. Wish me luck.

I love you all.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


I've been known to go on about how much I love the rain... and I know it's always fun to make someone eat their words... But, come on. I get it. Rain is cold and wet and does nasty things to bare feet in canvas shoes. Allow me to re-phrase my pro-rain statement in an attempt to appease those kooky, crazy fates...

I love the rain when:

a) I have no place to go.
b) I have rainboots, a rain jacket and oh, I dunno... an umbrella
c) no one will see me. You see, my bangs make a curling beeline for the back of my head at the first sign of moisture

So, yeah. This morning I had to be somewhere and when I went to look for rain grea, I remembered that I don't have any. I had to head out in a knit cap, a leather bomber jacket and canvas slip ons. Things got so desperate that I actually went to the library and falsely claimed a lost umbrella. Yes, I lied to the nice librarians and vaguely described the make-believe black umbrella that I never left behind during the last time I didn't visit the library. I know, pathetic. But, I'm broke and my feet were really wet!

What have I done? Sweet Jesus what have I done? Become a thief in the night, become a dog on the run!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Dear Cancer,

You might be feeling pretty sure of yourself, believing that you are going to have fun, but things may not turn out as planned. There are emotional surprises lurking behind even the most attractive situations that may muddle your intentions and obscure your direction. This situation may cause worry for a while, but don't fret; it won't even last throughout the day.

Well, that's just nasty! See? This what I'm talking about! I was born under a bad sign. Now, I lay me down to sleep and wait for the other fucking shoe to drop.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Stairway to heaven

Last night my neighbours invited me upstairs for fun times and a delicious mixed grill dinner. I haven't had a proper nice meal in a while - at home, anyway. Unless, you consider Hobnobs and lemonade a proper meal - cuz in that case, I've been eating like royalty. Rare steak, lamb chops, tasty blue cheese salad and ice cream. I have been having a rotten time with my asthma and I promised myself just yesterday that I was going to make an attempt to eat better. Everything timed out quite nicely.

Hmm...what else is new? Other than what I had for dinner... Oh, that's right! I met with a headhunter and he is putting forth my resume for a job that I am grossly underqualified for. And this isn't modesty, or low self-esteem talking - this is for real. The pay is good. Okay, it's more than good - it's kick-ass. And so I will put myself through the humiliation of the interview. The shiny penny has clouded my not-very-good judgement. I will keep you posted.

Allergies are killing me, perhaps that is why this post is so boring. I can't even manage to read through what I just wrote. Yawn. It feels like a thousand flies are buzzing around the inside of my face. My nose is swollen. This is a very bad thing as I am not small of nose.

I love you all.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

My little black ache

So, I've thinking about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder lately. I've always known that I have my little 'eccentricities', but I've never really worried about it. I just figured I was a bit weird, is all. But maybe my weirdness is a bit more clinical than I realized. I want to write about my strange behaviour but some of this stuff makes me feel ill and weak just thinking about it. So, I will make a point-form list:

- As a child if a sentence didn't end in an even number of syllables, I had to add an extra word to make it feel 'right'. I would tap out the syllables with 2 fingers on the palm of my hand. Same with words, but only when I was spelling them out. I don't do this any more, unless I'm really stressed or not paying attention.

- I have to have my toes crossed at all times. Unless, I 'm wearing shoes, of course. I'm not crazy, you know.

- I cannot bear the sensation of a wet wooden spoon or a certain type of wet wood on my skin or especially on my tongue. I played clarinet for about a week before I had a meltdown. That's how I discovered the tongue thing. Before that I couldn't wash my mother's wooden spoons. This got me in a fair bit of trouble during washing up time.

- I can't touch foam. Styro-foam is okay - but not foam. I remember one time when I was being difficult about sleeping on a foam mattress during a camping trip with my family - my dad thought it would be funny to roll me up in the foam like a jelly donut. I think I saw angels that time. I freaked out and bawled my eyes out and my dad got angrier. His joke bombed and he still had a 7 year-old who refused to sleep on the mattress.

- I have serious vein issues. I cannot look at the tops of my hands. If I do, I start to feel very far away. As you can imagine having blood work done is very unpleasant for me. I manage to keep it under control during blood tests - so it's not so bad. But, I feel very upset for a day or two after the test and I have to get someone else to remove the band-aid for me.

- When I get stressed out - my feet become unbearably hot. I remember as a kid in Saskatchewan getting up at night and standing in the snow on our back deck - trying to find some relief.

- Wet fabric in my mouth. Cannot. Do. It. Children who suck on mittens or face cloths should be dealth with sternly. Maybe rounded up and kept in a bad box. I know that if I were kidnapped I would die the moment a rag was stuffed in my mouth. This thought used to obsess me as a child. Now I just don't think about it.

- I cannot touch or have the raised mole on my neck touched. No way. Nor the raised scar on my right knee.

- Oh, here's a weird one. I can't have my finger nails touch each other - nails edge to nails edge. It makes me feel seriously unhinged.

- Very thin strands of hair or threading a needle upset me.

Okay, I need to stop now. Jesus, I sound like a nutbar. Seriously, I'm not uptight! No, really! I'm not uptight in bed and I'm easy-going! I mean it. You better believe me.

Hmm...I've just published all my weaknesses. My kryptonite list, in a matter of speaking.

There was a point to this post, but I feel too freaked out and uncomfortable to keep on going. The worst thing is that I don't have that whole compulsive tidiness thing. Now, that's a disorder I can get behind. I'm a miserable housekeeper.

Shh...I'm going to tap out sentences now. Calm.

Friday, September 08, 2006

I've a sesame seed stuck in my...

It's twilight time and man, my dogs are barking. I spent the better (or the worse) part of today marching around downtown. March, march, march - past all the lovely items in all the lovely shop windows. I kind of toyed with the idea of becoming less materialistic, but have you seen the fall fashions? Mind you, it's not like materialism is much of a choice, nowadays.

The Dalai Lama is in town.

'Twill be celebrity soup around here.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

way to upsell

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Waxing Gibbous

Last night I went to a baseball game. It was a gorgeous night and I don't mind telling you I had a lovely time. And - not to get all Bull Durham on you - baseball players sure seem handsome from a safe distance. There were many trampy young things prancing about - all quick-tanned and tube-topped and I got misty-eyed during the national anthem. All was as it should have been.

Asthma has been goosing me for a few days. You see, I no longer have benefits as I no longer have a job. Therefore, moreover and furthermore - my very expensive asthma medication has become quite precious to me. So, I came up with the clever idea to half my dosage. Smart, right? Well, it really was working out fine - until I pulled an all-nighter and got myself all stressed out and under the weather. For the past couple of days, oxygen has been playing hard to get - the little minx.

What else? I have decided that I hate freelancing. There's nothing free about it. I would like a job now please. 'Uncle', I say. So, let's just cut it out now. I will go put my blazer and skirt on and wait. Corporate Canada - I am at your disposal.

I love you all.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Cancer sticks

Better than any other sign, you crabs have an uncanny sense of knowing when the emotional tides are changing. You can just feel it in your stomach. Your tendency now may be to say too much about what you know, rather than too little. Nevertheless, these things must be said, so do it as kindly and lovingly as possible. Making someone you love feel guilty won't improve the relationship.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

the inner workings of the inner workings

Things feel good and then things feel bad.

I've a lot to do - deadlines to meet... guests to entertain...etc. So, I'm busy and I move through my day easily enough. But then - at the oddest times - I feel a twinge that shuts me down. Yesterday, on the bus, it was the colour of a woman's hair that made my stomach flip- sending me grudgingly into my head and smack-dab into a sponge bath of hurt.

It's unnerving how intensely unhappy these episodes make me. I wonder how long it will take for the potency to fade. Time and new experiences will hopefully create distance. As usual there's no quick fix. I find this very annoying. I worry.

Uncle Colin's words haunt me: Don't get attached to the outcome.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Who here thinks Leah McLaren's and Rebecca Eckler's tours of duty oughtta wrap up pretty soon?

Ooh...ooh, me! I do! I do!

I feel that the Globe and Mail needs me.