just returned from bathing suit shopping.
i'm doing things different this year -
not only do i hate myself - i hate you all.

stupid, stupid bodies in spandex.
horrid

"Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
whole girl."

~ Stephen Leacock

i have two.
what the hell does that mean for me?

ooh, the election is very exciting!
looks like the liberals will be the minority gov't.
knock on canadian softwood.

bloody west is true blue through and through.
if the conservatives win...
what will we do?

check out this site before it's all over: http://www.cbc.ca/canadavotes/
tonight i am working late to help with the cbc coverage of the election.
'twill be a late one.

enjoying a lovely breakfast of cold chicken breast and blueberries.
i am determined to have a good day.
yesterday i managed to uppack my books -
so i guess i really live here.
i desperately need to secure me one of those ikea bookshelves.
you know the thin kind that bolt right to the wall.
floorspace is at a premium here.

last night i discovered the joy of burning mixed cds.
ah, it was like 10th grade all over again.
the first mix is a tad morose, but i'm getting better.
im such a twat, i actually didn't realize that my laptop
had a burner until last night.

i think i may need glasses.
reading is getting just slightly uncomfortable
and i'm sporting more headaches than usual.
this is not good - with my nose all i need to
do is try to grow my eyebrows reeallly bushy.
voila, instant groucho.

funny, as a child and even a teen i wanted glasses so badly.
i wanted character.
hard knocks, smoking and knitting my brows have given my
face plenty of character, thank you very much.
glasses at this age only means one thing - i am old.

as i write this ladytron's "seventeen" is playing.
ever so fitting.

i don't really mind aging.
it's becoming undesireable and irrelevent that pisses me off.

insomnia got a grip on me.
i'm reading some old stuff i wrote.
i used to write a weekly column in the school newspaper.
this one was one of my favourites -
that is, it was the most fun to write.



Broad's Eye View - January 2003
The Other Press, Douglas College, http://otherpress.douglas.bc.ca/

Welcome back. I trust you are all well-rested and rearing to blaze academic trails in this second semester of our lord, 2003. I don't know about you, but I like to kind of ease my way into a new year - you know, make sure it's a good fit -don't want to be rushing into anything willy-nilly. January is a good month for self-reflection and to take the time to deal with any unresolved issues from the previous year. As a columnist for the illustrious Other Press, I receive scads of reader mail. Of course, I can't be expected to respond to everyone - I am only one woman - but in the spirit of the fledgling new year, I would like to kick things off with a letter I received in December 2002:

(lovingly untouched by the Other Press proofreaders, this letter appears in the exact format in which it was received)

Re: November 27th Broad's Eye View

Your comment bottom 2nd column "I'm like a rummie with a $10 bill in the mouthwash aisle."
Why wouldn't you portray this as a fat pig in the ice cream aisle or a bulimic in the diuretic aisle. Maybe a "dog" in the make-up aisle or even a street person on any given day.
For a student who should profess to be socially sensitive to the communities fallibilities, you show a remarkable lack of tack and total lack of education regarding substance abuse.
I don't think anybody would have accused Ralph Klein (you may not like him, but the people of Alberta must if he keeps getting re-elected) of hanging out in the mouthwash aisle. Nor Winston Churchill or Brian Mulroney for that matter (they were also an alcoholics).
Maybe you should spend a day in their shoes before you make crass and insensitive commentary
I good rule of thumb is to think when you write, not just write to please, but write to inform and hopefully say something insightful.
This column is aimed to please the lowest common denominator and a retraction should be issued along with and apology.

Kent

Well, Kent thanks for the feedback and the creative suggestions, even though some of them are a little unrealistic. I mean really, it's a bit far-fetched to expect me to spend a day in the shoes of everyone I intend to make crass and insensitive comments about. I'm all for field research, but I do have my studies to attend to. I also cannot profess to be socially sensitive, but I promise to work on my "lack of tack." And while I agree, a fat pig in the ice cream aisle would have been funnier; I think that's a little offensive.

I am however completely onside with your Ralph Klein comment. Journalistic integrity demands specificity - it is unforgivable to slur the good name of rummies without so much as a how-do-you-do to political icons such as Mr. Klein, Mr. Mulroney and Sir Winston Churchill. The devil is in the details, if you will. But let us not date ourselves - the high-profile binge drinker dejour is the honorable Premier Gordon Campbell. And so, in light of current events I am moved to publish the retraction you demanded, as well as extend to the readers of the Other Press my sincere apologies. Please note: November 27th's Broad's Eye View should no longer read, "I'm like a rummie with a $10 bill in the mouthwash aisle." The revised column should instead read, "I'm like Gordon Campbell with a $10 bill in the mouthwash aisle." I have made a serious mistake, and I want to apologize to everyone including my family, my colleagues and the people of British Columbia.

If you read this Kent, I also want to thank you for the poignant rule of thumb you included in your email. Please allow me to share one of my own: in addition to thinking when you write, it is a good idea to use spell-check.

For the rest of you, I feel I should point out that Kent did refer to you as the "lowest common denominator." I leave the ball in your court.

Send your warm fuzzies or cold pricklies to broadeyeview@hotmail.com

christ, what a day.
spent most of it mopping up vomit
and smoothing a fevered brow.
and now things are quiet.

i tried to listen to music.
songs from the eternal sunshine soundtrack
caught me unawares.
i thought i had put those songs aside,
that is, pulled them from my itunes playlist.
i find they are just too much for me,
i can't listen to them without bawling -
never mind misting up.

combined with my current exhaustion,
the effect of this musical sneak attack was quite severe.
but then again, i do feel better now.
sometimes a good weep is a good way
to say good-bye to an unpleasant day.

oh dear, here comes the sexsmith set.
i must go find some tissue.

i would like to appreciate daytime again.
i used to love morning as a child.
summer vacation meant long days,
which of course meant waking up early.

and then came puberty and a strange shrinking from the sun.
as a teen, summer vacation meant sleeping until late afternoon.
daytime became something to get through until night came 'round.
parents disappeared after dark, car interiors lighted up nicely,
and morning seemed forever away.

and nevermind post-graduation -
for years i worked jobs that facilitated my nocturnal habits.
if i was working a day job, i either went tired or developed
creative ways to sleep in. i became an expert at switching shifts
or coming up with the most earnest excuses to come in late.

nowadays i still prefer nighttime,
but i regret it. i never used to.
but, i guess teenagers aren't all that familiar with regret.
as a happy functioning adult, it's my favourite past time
- regret, that is.

i've decided that i want to make something of a day,
embracing it is unlikely and a bit flowery for my tastes.

i will make a sunlight to do list:

- picnic
- spend a day on the beach
- mountain hike
- go bike shopping
- go garage sale hopping
- have a bbq
- go berry picking
- drive in the country
- take a trip to finn's slough
- go for a bike ride around that weird island on the fraser river
- go canoeing
- take the ferry to sunshine coast


well, not bad for now.
let's see if i can manage any of these outings before summer ends.

my nerves are really bad right now.
i've a terrible itch under my nails
and the soles of my feet are hot and dry.
it's an awful feeling, this anxiety.

my short temper has been cut off at the knees,
that is to say, it is shorter than short.
in short, i feel inclined to be a total bitch.
in short, it is a good thing i am staying in this weekend.
in short, i must stop this word play.
it is not playful - it is annoying.

i would like someone to braid my hair and
massage my temples.

cliches come cheap around these parts.
go on, glut yourself.

what is it about the beastie boys?
delicious.

what's that about confession being good for the soul?
grouphug.us is saving souls left, right and centre.

a sample:

"I gave this boy I met a blow job. He pulled his dick out and cummed all over my face even though I told him not to. Then I went home and cried. Then he called me and apologized. Then I gave him another blow job and he did the same thing. Then he called me and apologized again. But I was ready. Next time he whipped it out got him hard and broke his dick."

or my personal favourite:

" when i was in 8th grade my dumbass jumped off a roof and smacked my head into a wall. i am a fucking moron. i then had to have brain surgery to fix things upstairs. I now have a HUGE fissure in my head. My friends call me "crackhead" I hate them all!"

i just returned from swimming at second beach pool in stanley park
what an absolutely fucking gorgeous way to end a hot day.
public bathing is disgusting - we all know this -
but if you gotta do it, second beach is a lovely spot.
and the sunset was spectacular.
only one mishap...
walking home, we had to walk through a movie set.
they had roped off my street for some film.
we forgot to bring t-shirts and had to march through
all these "film guys" - you know, the ones with orange reflective vests,
backward baseball caps and cords hanging from them -
wearing our bathing suits and skirts.
embarrassing.

all in all, a great night.
so much better than crumpling down on the couch after work.

today i am a good person.

an image from the book Motel Fetish

last night i had the pleasure of taking a boo at the best coffee table book.
Motel Fetish is a taschen book.
taschen books are always great.
when it's a taschen book filled with naked ladies and vintage underwear - well it's divine.
its pricey. i will save my pennies.

my last post was just so gloomy and, well, sucky.
i went out for a bit and have decided to have another go.

last night i went out with friends.
it was fun. good to get out of the apartment.
it was a night of melted chocolate, mushrooms and brilliant stories
about goats, toads and dead bodies in boxsprings.
im a little fucked up today.
i think that is why i was so miserable this morning.

just returned from my loan shark.
he and i share the same birthday.
we are on a first name basis, except i don't know his.
he is kind of attractive.
an angry and funny fellow who wears nice jeans.
we chatted about hating the sun.
he is paler than me.
yes, it is too possible.

i was invited to go skim boarding.
i do believe i will pass, though it would be nice to be on the beach.
but i may go to a bbq this evening.
thing is, it's all the way in kitsilano.
that's over a bridge.
across water.
may be too much for me.
but it will be a gorgeous evening and i rarely get to go to bbqs.
there will be good people and even better seafood.
i will play it by ear.
my lazy lazy ear.

i will, however, bake chocolate chip cookies.
haven't baked in ages.

it's father's day.
makes me weepy.
too much to remember and think about.
too much has changed.
and it reminds me that my father is getting older.
i still remember making him a keychain in the third grade.
we filled prescription pill bottles with crayon shavings
and melted them in the oven until they flattened
into colourful blobs.
i was so proud of that gift.
and now everyone is old.
or alone.
sad.

i woke up cooking in hot dry patch of sun.
i must have kicked open my blinds in my sleep
(indicates how very small my apartment is)

i figured it would be unbearably hot,
and it is out in the full sun,
but here, at my place, a lovely breeze is skipping through.

i went out for a bit today,
but a trip to the bank convinced me to scurry home.
bad news, of course.

i'm even poorer than i imagined.
and so i made a few careful purchases
(green beans and water) which left me with $5 for laundry.
i had entertained the idea of going out tonight.
funny me.

i will have to visit the loan sharks to keep me in
food and bus fare next week.
bills are getting chubby.

it's been an expensive past 2 weeks.
"holidays", weddings and birthdays galore.

my birthday is steamrolling toward me
i always have shitty birthdays -
very much like my valentine celebrations.
i may just run away for the day.
maybe take the train to seattle.
hide out. avoid disappointment.

i go for a tattoo consultation on wednesday.
i was intending to book 3 hours and get a lot done -
but recent financial devastation will force me to curb my enthusiasm.
i think i can swing an hour.
so, it will take longer to complete it.
i am impatient.

you know, despite myself -
i'm having a nice day.
i don't really hate the sun as much as i think i do.
if the thought of putting on a bathing suit
didn't horrify me so much, i would almost consider
going to a beach.
gasp. shut yo mouth.

"relax, don't think about the way i treat you."

just returned from hapa izakaya.
it was a friend's 30th birthday celebration.
small and intimate - just three of us.
it was such a good time.
we spent nearly 5 hours in the restaurant,
drinking, laughing and soothing each other.
it was great.
i am afraid for later though.
i may regret mixing vodka, beer and sake.
but i have to say for the first time in a long while,
i felt completely present tense pleasure.

and now i will sleep.

i swam here

right.
so last week i went to canmore for
my youngest brother's wedding.
canmore is near banff.
canmore is many hours from vancouver.
we drove.
when i say "we", i mean my parents drove.
yes, i took a road trip with my parents.
i even shared a motel room in golden, bc with my parents.
my father drives the speed limit
and NEVER a km over.
this makes passing difficult.
and so there was nearly no passing.
i took many gravol pills and slept.

in canmore i had a lovely room to myself.
a kingsize bed and a good bathroom.
not to mention a balcony that overlooked a beautiful
outdoor pool and hot tub.
the hotel is practically on a mountainside,
so the air is stil very cold.
mix in warm water, alpine surroundings and
a spicy caesar or two...
i admit i had one wonderful evening swimming
under the night sky.


the wedding was simple and enjoyable.
i got awfully teary.
not only are weddings a touchy subject for me nowadays -
my youngest brother was in a suit,
marrying a girl - being all grown-up.
ridiculous.

they are a good match.
AND they paid for everyone's hotel stay.
i hear the total soared about six grand.
and that's not even including the wedding
or all the food, alcohol and entertainment

jesus, my youngest sibling is wealthier
and far more together than me.
depressing, that.

you know what?
i don't feel like talking about this trip anymore.
it's dead boring in the re-telling.

today, it occured to me
that when i dress up in heels and makeup,
on the street people may wonder if
i'm a transvestite.
i'm serious. this worries me.

im back.
a lot happened.
some of it good.
couldn't be bothered to fill you in just now.

oh, yeah - i went away for a few days.

anxious.

sometimes you worry a thing
until you wear it down to
something cheap and thin and manageable.
and then you wish you had decided to leave
well enough alone.
cheap and thin and manageable
is sometimes just that.

i think i may prefer
costly, fat and unruly
like most fantasies.

WEEKEND PICTORIAL

so i like online quizzes.
mostly because it takes me away from my online work.
and because i secretly believe these questionnaires may really
provide insight into my personality.

and so i took the Which Led Zeppelin Song are You? quiz.
i am Tangerine.

You are a beautiful person,
in a wistful kind of way.
If you could, you would spend all your time
daydreaming and writing poetry.
You are a tragic beauty.

You are sensitive and caring,
and you don't take insults well.
You don't smile much, but when you do,
you really mean it.

People like to be around you because
you are a calming influence.
You have an appreciation for all things beautiful,
and you probably have some potted plants.
You also most likely own a cat.

You like Sundays and hot tea.
You will spend your entire life yearning for quiet beauty,
which is a rarity in this world, so you read a lot.

Everyone you know thinks you're "nice."

oh it's all so true.
minus the cat, of course.

nightime is the right time 

i just returned from watching "the day after tomorrow".
(i refuse to provide a link, enough already)
an amazingly awful film.
i mean crazy bad and i was expecting bad.
the audience was laughing out loud and
groaning throughout - which made the experience
quite entertaining.
i walked home content.

adam sandler just sang a song
on letterman that made me cry.

also, i just finished the loveliest
tofu bologna sandwich -
loads of butter and mustard.
im no vegetarian, but my mom
got me hooked on the veggie sandwich meats.

i should go "tan",
but i just don't have the energy.
all that exfoliating and then the slathering.
and i hate the contortions i endure to get
to the middle of my back.

i am severely broke.

i reckon i will turn this stupid tv off
and enjoy a cigarette in bed.
breaking all the rules while i can.

mcsweeney's lists:
fun to read.
i like these thirty scenarios.

also, Eat, shoot, & leave this, you proofreading harpy.

why am i awake?

...

pout


i am in a black and foul mood.
i am dangerously close to "anger tears".
there is no one for me to rail against.
no one to console me.
and so my anger buzzes and bumps against
the screendoor,
like a bloated and stupid housefly.

i would like to wake up next to jeff goldblum.
that is all.