well, it's finally friday.
yesterday i went for lunch with a nice fellow who happens to be a screenwriter.
over mojitos and chicken strips i picked his brain.
i am considering giving it a whirl - god knows i need to do something creative.
to hear him tell it, it is very hard work but quite rewarding.
well, it never hurts to try.
i wanted to be rich and famous by 30 and since i'm now 2 years past the expiry date,
it is time to try something new.

speaking of trying something new, i am toying with the idea of cutting my hair short.
long hair is sooooooo boring and i have an amazing hairstylist now.
she could give me an interesting cut.
and this hot summer weather is killing me - my hair is making me overheat.
boy oh boy, i got things to think about tonight!

i fuckered around with blogger code and slush is suffering. i may have to go back to the drawing board.

Kite Flyer In the Zone

i can't help myself, i love this.
i honestly do not understand people who don't like the onion.

soooo, what do you think?
im not sure how i feel about slush in black.
feedblack please.

this is just the best distraction: Success: Who's My Daddy
there were a few surprises there. like julia louis-dreyfus's father is a french billionaire and spike jonze's real name is Adam Spiegel of the Spiegel mail-order catalogue dynasty.
nep-oh-tizim, oh my.

post script:
i say "fucking brilliant" an awful lot.
i don't suppose i am able to help myself.
there are fireworks tonight.

i just returned from watching napoleon dynamite
oh, it was so very very good. 
i hate to join the gushing hipster parade, but it really is fucking brilliant.
gorgeous to look at.
sweet, funny and sometimes downright uncomfortable to watch.

i will go see it again.
i missed references that were pointed out to me after i watched it.
must watch again and try to catch them all.
it's tricky too - the film ends (including credits) and then after around 3 minutes of a blank screen an epilogue appears.
many people must miss this.
a little reward for the patient.

today i omitted refined sugar and i feel good.
i went to work, smoked a joint and watched a movie and i'm still not tired.
i will test this for a while - anything to avoid a blood test.

i am 32 and today it occurred to me that it's been 15 years since i lost my virginity. i can't believe i'm old enough to have anything happen 15 years ago other than a childhood illness. what this really means is that boys are completely off-limits to me - i am now old enough to have mothered one. i've never been into younger men, but still whenever a door shuts you can't help but flinch.

has anyone seen that new stupid pepto bismol commercial?
i do feel for the poor actors cast to simulate diarrhea, nausea, indigestion, gas and something else - all set to congo-line music.

jet is on kilborn. the drummer drums.

today i bought a lemon meringue pie from capers.
i have never tasted a capers pie, but i was convinced it would be delicious.
it was not and it is now confirmed that i do indeed make a good pie.
no more store-bought pastries for this cowgirl.

last night i went swimming at whonnock lake
it was beautiful - almost uncomfortably so.
i find when all my senses are engaged, like they were last night, it can be pretty overwhelming.
water and reflections have this effect on me. just looking at the sunset over the lake made me want to jump up and applaud or something. oh, i'm not explaining myself well here. this is why most people should never, never get into "nature poetry".

feels like the heat has given a bit.
i would do anything for a crisp week of october right now.

i am going to have to get my blood tested, i reckon.
whenever i eat, i get cold and very very tired.
i've been trying to ignore it, but it seems to be getting worse.
i fucking hate any sort of blood-letting.
i could just try to give up eating but it's hard for me really get too worked up about this.
i mean, what's nicer than eating and sleeping?
but if i continue like this i will begin to pack on the pounds and quickly surpass "round around the edges" to just plain round.

now that i've jotted down my health fears i can stop worrying about it.
read: not do anything about it for a bit longer.

a female blogger

it is now saturday morning.
i have spent the last hour or so fucking around on the world wide web.
i even managed to pull my head out of my ass long enough to read some other blogs.
seems i have been shirking my duties as a female blogger by not positng enough provocative photos of myself.
everyone knows that in order to keep traffic and interest up - you gotta pimp yourself a bit.
a few strategic web cam poses and everyone's happy.
i am absolutely not above such tactics - read me and i will pout for you by the eternal candlelight of my logitech 4000.

now if only i could figure out a way to use keywords...
or maybe i could change the name of this here thing to suck it bitch! - diary of an amateur cum-guzzler.

imagine the hits! imagine all the disappointed and angry perverts.
no one likes an angry pervert and so i will not revisit this idea.

DAVID USHER RETRACTION

i retract my original statement regarding his attractiveness.
i am thoroughly ashamed of my moment of weakness.
my readers have pointed me back on to the path of the strait and narrow.

but i have to wonder if there isn't a bit of a double standard here.
when a woman finds a man attractive for purely physical reasons it seems to get people's backs up. there are plenty of hip "counter-cultural" men out there who would happily throw it in mandy moore or any of those slutty popstars without a thought for their tastes in music, art or politics.

believe me you, i find david usher as unbearable as anyone. but he is pretty. and sometimes when you are sitting alone at night watching much more music and a music video comes on and you have a laptop...well, things can get out of control.

damn, i'm still justifying here.

oh yes, and i found out that he is... diminutive. so that pretty much hoops the whole all sex no talking/singing/eye contact fantasy.

david usher is ridiculously hot.
it's a pity he does that thing with the singing and the music.
but me-oh-my-oh, he would nice for the making-out.

well it looks as though the day will end the way it started -
all miserable-like.
i had to leave work a coupla hours early as i was hit with the most evil headache.
once home, i pretty much passed out for a few hours.
i woke up about an hour ago and decided to go out for a walk to freshen up and cheer myself up.

bad idea.

apparently it's deliriously happy couple night in my neighbourhood.
i realized after passing the umpteenth couple walking hand in hand, that it's been well over a half a year since i've done the same. which is really too bad because it's one of the nicest things humans can do together.

sour grapes aside, it is very beautiful out tonight.
if wish i had stayed out longer.

it is not yet 10 am and it is already a no-good-very-bad day
between nine and ten i rec'vd three phone calls from folks kindly requesting that i give them their fucking money. they were very mean to me.
it's a rent paycheque, you see. so there are no extra dollars for frivolous things like telephone service, cable and electricity.

i want to go back to sleep, but my back is killing me.
to top it off, it's gonna be stupidly hot today. which means i can't wear jeans. which means i will have to shave my legs. which means i have one more reason to never ever leave my bed.

and yet even my bed has turned on me. who knew the cheap foam of an ikea sofabed would one day wear away to nothing more than a whisper of padding over an abusive metal frame?

oh, i will shut-up now. such a miserable cow am i.

freaky thing happened on the walk home.
some guy grabbed my sleeve when i walked past him.
he looked a bit older than me - maybe 40s?
and he said "hey, i know who you are."
i kept walking - it happened so fast - but when i turned around he waved and then started walking the opposite direction.
i know i didn't know him.
i wonder who he thought i was.

oh, and i just ate the most lovely blackberries.

fucking brilliant

hmm, from nyc.
well, nail my forehead to the floor - you don't say!

i've returned from a last-minute trip.
it was a mixed bag of anxiety and relaxation.
i can't say i'm happy to be back.
ain't reality a kick in the head?

i'm hanging out at work,
dreading going back to my wee apartment.
back to that poor budgie that no one loves.
i am afraid i left fish out on my counter.
i am very afraid.

it's dark and i can't decide if i should walk home.
really though, i look so shitty right now i doubt i'd inspire even the most depraved rapist.
it's not nice to let oneself go.

i'm hungry.

aren't y'all glad i'm back? haven't you missed this?

KENNY FROM KENNY VS SPENNY
thanks, but i'm much better in the sack...the bad boy always is!
keep watching.
your pal

kenny (the funnier better looking one, not the stressed out weiner, shwimmer with downs syndrome!)

kenny hotz | 07.17.04 - 10:05 am | #

you reckon this is for real?
i can't say i'm too sure, but who really cares?
i can just say it is and then it shall be so.
so if an asshole yanking my ever-so-delicate chain wrote the above post, it's still alright.
i still win. winnie-win-win.

and i have to concur with "kenny hotz" that a bad boy is generally better in bed,
but then, i'm not sure who is taller.
this may just require some field research.

well, we all work for the cbc - me, kenny and spenny, that is.
so, we're practically family.
corporate incest is different than next of kin incest,
as in it is neither immoral nor illegal- wouldn't you agree?

praise whatever, it's over.
another exceptionally shitty birthday.
i mean, it was right up there with the worst of the worst.
but, it's done like dinner.

let it be known that my friends tried to make it happen for me.
there were people who wanted to take me out today.
i chose to stay home and think, think, think.
miserable, thirsty work - but i think it was the smart thing to do.

fuck new years eve for resolutions - it makes a whole helluva lot more sense to do it on your DOB.
i gots to make some changes-yo.
find me a backbone and stop pissing around.
i know what i want, i just pretend not too and that is sad.
i will do what i can to make things better.

my dearest friend from london called tonight.
i have missed her and it was wonderful to speak with her.
she is a good influence and "she gits me" - prbly the only human who really does.
i need that ease sometimes.

talking to her helps me put shit into perspective.
even though this evening's conversation was mainly just chit chat -
i always feel more capable after speaking to her.
i suppose because she thinks i'm capable - not many people do.
(insert lament that there are no men like her here)

i did drag my sorry ass off my couch for a couple of hours today.
some pals took me out for a delicious lamb burger.
the highlight - hell, the only highlight of the day.

these pals were most excellent and understood completely how very
important it was for me to eat quickly and get back to my couch - or my
"thinking spot" for the day.

tomorrow i will be more much more accommodating...
i am going to a bbq and i will be just the funnest girl there!
boy-oh-boy, just you wait and see!

and so it's my birthday.
my guests have left - the dinner party was good fun.
i had a really lovely time, but now i am free to wallow in birthday depression.
i'm not really depressed about being older...
in fact, i don't give a fuck about that.
milestones force you to evaluate and i'm not overly fond of evaluation.
my life goes on swimmingly as long as i don't allow myself to think much about it.

i am choosing to spend my birthday alone - well, so far i am.
but a birthday alone is different than a lonely birthday isn't it?

this certainly isn't meant to be a "poor-me-on-my-birthday" post.
i honestly don't feel any different than any other day.

i really should have followed my own advice and taken a trip this weekend.
get the fuck out of dodge for a bit.

honestly, i'm tired.
bone tired, as they say.
it's been a really rough year.
exciting and tramatic.
everything has changed.

what was i going on about?
oh yes, tired.
i'm going to sleep and if there's a deity on my side -somewhere, out there - it will be a long and satisfying rest.

oh, it's my dad's birthday today, too.
i like that a lot.

also, it must be said that i have good friends.
i am glad for it.

last night i went to see sonic youth.
wow. i've never seen them live.
pretty incredible.
chicks with guitars are fucking sexy.

tomorrow night i am throwing a dinner party for ten people.
i am trying to come up with a menu right now.
correction: i should be coming up with a menu right now -
but, instead i am writing here, in my snug little corner of the world wide web.

so far, all i know for certain is that i am serving gin and tonics and cheese.
really, if the cocktails are good, the cheese is expensive and the hostess looks hot- who cares what i serve for dinner?

i have only a wee table built for two and 2 chairs.
twill be lap-dining in very close quarters.
cozy.

i will burn a "dining" cd tonight and look for my neat-o decorative toothpicks.

i am too cool.

low carb bread has very much the same consistency as very thin sponge.
very.

currently i am watching what is possibly the stupidest film of all time.
i should just change the channel.
i am unable.
it is beyond me.

just attempted to see the cremaster cycle.
i knew i should have bought my ticket earlier.
i planned to go alone, but wound up running into a friend,
and met several more along the way.
we were all turned away so we headed off to bosman's for drinks.
it was loads of fun.

one of the fellows toured with platinum blonde many years ago.
as a girl, i used to love the saccharine brit popsters.
after a few touring stories, my childhood dreams were crushed.
apparently the boys were right pricks and didn't even really play instruments.
and i just went and looked up band photos, to refresh my memory -
wow, they were super gay and kind of old looking. sad.
i was even a fan club member. i have the pink laminated card to prove it.

i also learned a bit about groupie mentality.
apparently the ladies backstage were much more interested
in doing up the married or girlfriended band members.
if they found out the guy was the same age as them and single,
they weren't interested.
this is only mildly surprising and it makes a certain sort of sense to me.

i may try to see 1,2,3&4 of cremaster on wednesday -
but i had planned on having a dinner party.
what to do...what to do.
mind you, one of the women i met tonight has 3 and 4 on DVD -
she offered to lend it to me, if only i had a DVD player.
i have been told by some it would be insane to miss it,
by others that it is irritating and a waste of time.

but hoo-boy the scenesters in the line-up at the cinematheque
were worth a trip back.
there are paragraphs and paragraphs i could devote to the myriad
of funky intellectual eyewear and tattered cardigans.
but i am trying not to be that way
and so i will keep it to myself.

my feet hurt
sometimes i hate watching television alone.
i guess i could make the box go black,
but then it's so quiet in here.
what i need is a good book.
i really want to read the new clinton memoir.

ech, i fell asleep at 8 pm and just woke up.
its the first time i've looked at a computer today.
verrrry unusual.

i was very busy.
my parents and my sister came for dinner -
an early birthday dinner.
even though i will be seeing my family next weekend -
the weekend of my actual DOB -
my mother insisted on celebrating today.

overall, it was a successful visit.
that is until my neighbours had my dad's station wagon towed.
that part of the day was not cool.
my father parked in their spot so they called a tow truck.
my dad got down to the parking lot in time to stop the driver from hitching up his car,
but he still had to pay $50.

my neighbours (an obnoxious couple) were in the lot and there was a bit of a confrontation.
my dad was so angry all he could sputter was "assholes!"
and my mother cawed down at them from the balcony about downtown rudeness
and something about the trials nowadays of just trying to visit her daughter.

all very embarrassing, but i have to say - the neighbours are indeed assholes.
your typical uptight westend couple.
there was several visitor spots on either side of her spot.
if it were me, i might be annoyed, but i would have taken one of the visitor spots.
i admit i wanted to flick the back of the chick's neck when she smugly turned to sign for the tow truck.
she was a snarky bitch. so there.
here's hoping i don't run into them alone in the laundry room.
it will be awkward.

well, what to do.
now i'm fully awake.
i guess i will work.
or...stare at the ceiling until i get so bored i fall back to sleep.
now, that sounds like a plan.

one more confession:
i just used "no logo" as support for painting my nails.
good and thick.
supportive.
my review.

confession time:
i absolutely love kenny vs spenny
not only that, i think they would both be the best boyfriends ever.

forgive me.
or don't bother.

i just returned from the laundromat.
you know, i fancy myself a bit of a grown-up -
so why is it so keenly embarrassing when men see your underwear?
there was a guy folding laundry beside me and i felt so
self-conscious folding my unmentionables.
i think i might have actually blushed.
how pathetic can one be?

the good-looking guy who moved in last week
appears to live above me.
interesting - well, not really.

today is just not working out like i wanted.
i need a massage.
it's crazy - my shoulders squeal for some manhandling.

my apartment is filthy.
if i've time to lean, i've time to clean.

this is me buggering off

i have terrific insomnia.
i wonder if it is the chicken i ate for dinner,
or that list i wrote before bed titled "things to be anxious about"?

the other day a cab driver complimented my perfume.
he told me it was nice to have a woman in his car
who did not smell like a chocolate bar.
he asked if it was expensive - saying he would like to buy it for his wife.
i just so happened to have a free sample in my bag -
he was so pleased he turned off the metre half-way home.
sometimes things work out.

i do love my perfume,
shockingly, my intensely critical, totally contrary sister approves.
she shares my opinion that it is nice to be able to recognize individual scents -
real scents of real organic substance.

naysaying heathens did try to place doubt in my mind -
one person commented that it smelled too old-fashioned,
another wounded me with a "sophisticated old lady in a nursing home" crack.

the scent is pears, gardenia and roses.
those with an unrefined nose simply cannot reacquaint themselves with roses.
more's the pity.
i suppose they are the sort that keep calvin, j-lo and charlie in business.

sniff

okay, i reckon i'll go to sleep now.
nothing stopping me.

if you like - take a boo at my darling co-workers.
don't we just make you sick?
nothing like a soundtrack to make things seem more momentous than they are.

i am terminally bored.
i'm too lazy to even roll away from my laptop to sleep.
restless and sloth-like.
also, i am out of water.
i sure would like to go for a walk.
ah, to dream the impossible dream.

oh, but wait - the wind is kicking up.
that's nice.

okay... slowww down people.
i need to clarify something.
ok, y'all remember that post i made
jonesing for a pair of shoes?
by tit for tat i did not really mean tit for tat.

i was merely pointing out that the shoes were on sale
and that of course i am broke at the same time
as in, i deserve this grave injustice.

i have fielded far too many emails requesting tits for tat.

please. i don't have the stamina for real online whoring

this of course does not apply to the nice normal folk who
have come my way thanks be to the fluvog post.

but, just a few moments ago someone sent me a terrifically rude email
requesting a rather unholy online communion.
yes i have a webcam - no, it doesn't fit in there.
funny, inventive piglet you.

yes, yes - of course i deserve this negative attention.
that is not the point.

forgive me. i am weak. i like shoes.
unlike sinéad - i do want what i haven't got.
you go on and think less of me.
i'm really okay with that.

but, jesus people, we're talking shoes
i wouldn't do a quarter of those nasty things for knee-high boots.
sheesh.

i have just returned from a most pleasant and interesting birthday party.
the man of the hour was ringing in his 30th.
such a nice fellow - all 137 pounds of him.
i guessed his weight, you see.
i also met his wife - whom i recognize as a talented byline around town.
you'll be pleased to know they both look darling in a zed trucker hat.

i met a woman i sort of know from winnipeg.
until tonight, i only really knew of her.
a name and face bandied about frequently back in the day.
lovely woman.

strange evening because although i kind of feel like i knew people there
i had never met any of them.
a few of them even read slushpile from time-to-time.
ah, the world wide web is just plain amazing.

favourite line of the evening:
"i think i've read you...slushcups?"
very funny and friendly.
in fact, it sounds a helluva lot better than slushpile.
i may just consider it for slush v2.

had to leave early -
would have loved to have stayed to see rich hope perform.
but i have a few deadlines to make.
no rest for the blah blah blah.

anyhoo - it was fun and stimulating.
things have been rather dull lately.
a nice change of pace.

this post is dull -
i would have preferred to have done the evening justice
but, it just isn't coming easy right now.
and if it don't come easy, don't do it -
i always says.

i should sleep now.

well, i had a lovely canada day.
granville island was indeed a nightmare,
but we managed to have quite a nice time in the sun.
the company was wonderful, although a little under the weather.
it was a helluva lot of fun taking the aquabus - first time for me.
finished the day off at hapa izakaya. yum.

after a nap, i headed off to the cambie.
it was rowdy and cheerful.
after a couple of drinks and a rousing chorus of "oh canada"
we moved on to the railway club.
a good time was had by all.
that is, until we got on the topic of gossip.
then a good time was had by all but me.

the walk home was enjoyable even.
loads of drunks on the streets.
it's funny, i should be a little more nervous
walking home alone at night, but i'm not.
perhaps that is foolish -
there were enough creeps out.
the only part that creeps me out is heading down my street.
it's dark and quiet and i admit to feeling a bit jumpy when i hit that stretch.
but, as you can see, i made it home quite alive.

just finished a chicken burger at zach's
it was delicious.

these shoes are on sale.
i am poor.
tit for tat.

blab

had a good time last night.
quite unexpected, really.
started off at subeez (a place i despise, where i usually wind up enjoying myself)
and then finished up at the marine club.
we went to check out zed darlings, bulletsnake.
they were funny and totally entertaining -
so cute, you just want to eat them up.

i was sporting an angry sunburn from spending the day at the pool,
so i expected to be crabby and uncomfortable.
i simply drank a couple of glasses of water for each caesar
and things went swimmingly.
today, i actually appear to have a bit of colour.
will wonders never cease?

i suppose i had better get a move on here,
it is canada day and i am off to granville island.
i hate granville island - busy and fucking annoying.
i wish they would sink the eyesore
i do quite like canada day celebrations, however.
it may be fun.

its the end of the month and i do not have my rent money
and it's 7 days until payday.
i will think about that later.
tonight i am going on a pub crawl.

oh and a rather good-looking fellow is moving in as we speak (so to speak)
he appears to live alone and seems straight.
i make this hasty judgment based on the fact that he unloaded a
couple of guitars and a few pieces of ratty furniture
and i saw no girlie bits and pieces making their way from the truck.
doesn't strike me as player for the pink team.

he has a couple of people helping him unload.
i'm thinking brother and dad - they look alike.
he's not drop-dead gorgeous or anything,
but he's wearing flip-flops and has nice hair.
whatever, it's just something to look at.
the scenery is pitiful in this building.

/blab