im tired today.
not hung over.
nice.
looked at a couple of ridiculously expensive shoe-boxes.
have an appt at 1pm to go look at a 450 sq feet apt here in yaletown.
only $800/mo! what a deal.
well, it has ensuite washer/dryer.
it will prbly have to also double as a dining room table.

today is turning out to be a spectacularly shitty day.
on the phone most of the morning, trying to justify my every action.
i am fast getting exhausted with this.
i need a place to live so i can hole away and think.

i am going out tonight
to frolic among the humans.

jeff will hold back my hair.

it's late.
haven't felt much like writing here.
i'm getting what i asked for and it is terrifying.
i am looking for a new place to live.
it is a very confusing time.
i have discovered a new-found respect for someone i've known forever.
in the process i am damaging this same person.
adults are nasty creatures.

finding i need sleep less and less.
same with food.
this could get quite affordable.

chris cester of jet
he's alright, isn't he.

jesus H. christ! i forgot to wish y'all a happy robbie burns day!
i've been going on about it for a week now, and knox you are correct, i should not be whining.
i should be addressing the haggis and lifting my skirts in a scotch-fueled haze of recklessness.
man, did i blow this one.
well, my dad's a good scotsman and he poured us all a "wee dram" for dinner.
but what i wouldnt do to be in a steamy bar full of randy scots!

the people in my life seem to want me around.
in fact, some of them demand an audience with me.
then why have i never felt so isolated?

oh yeah. that.

ain't that just a pisser.

i need a lighthearted evening on the town.
yes life is heavy at the moment,
and yes, my mother did point out that my face is beginning to show signs of thirty-one years of stoic eyebrow raising.
but, i need to laugh it up.

i would like to go out for a nice dinner and get drunk over an expensive bottle of something i'll feel compelled to pretend to appreciate.

saturday night: mission , bc.

it is 10:00 pm, and i just returned from downstairs.
both of my parents are asleep on separate couches.
some A&E crime program is blaring.
blaring. no one with normal functioning auditory abilities could sleep undisturbed through such a din.
my father gripping a half-empty glass of water and a bag of salt and vinegar chips propped up against my mother's chest.
this would be darling if they were under the age of 10.
it is kind of funny, but more depressing.
they look small and powerless. comical.
parents shouldn't fall asleep before their children, like that.
all tuckered out from a long hard day.

disturbing.

me? well im going to go hit the treadmill, have a bath with one of the gazillion vials of bathing treatments hoarded by my mother. then i will watch a little mad tv and even more SNL.

and i pity my parents.

...

saturday morning: mission bc.


there is a creek outside the window of my parents' spare room.
very beautiful.
this place spooks me out a bit though.
a little girl died here and there is a weird energy - if you buy into the whole tie-dye 'energy' bit.
normally i wouldn't, but such terminology seems the best way to describe what was making me feel nervous as i tried to fall asleep last night.

pretty freaked out.
looking for a place to live.
my parents have offered to help.
ah, the strings, the strings.

i am hungry.
i just spent my last two dollars on dill pickle chips and gummie bears from a cbc vending machine.
gross.

i am tired.
out of sorts.

i am going to my parents place in the valley.
i will sleep and eat. and maybe sleep some more.

perhaps watch a little conan on friday.
and a little SNL on saturday.

i have a sinking feeling they do not have internet service at the moment.
i could possibly die from this.

i am not currently reading a book.
makes public transit nearly unbearable.

i may not read voluminously, but i do read voluptuously.

i must write the zed newsletter now.
solid.

not 10 minutes ago, i filmed my first on camera appearance.
jesus, what a freak.
i was incredibly nervous. i mean shaking hands, sweaty palms, about to vomit nervous.
it was nice having my make-up done. i will say that.

i feel sick.

back to liiiife, back to reality.

wow. stress can do incredible things to the body.
i have had one real meal since saturday and i still feel full.
as usual, things aren't exactly going swimmingly.
i'd hate to disappoint, y'all.
took a difficult stroll down memory lane tonight.
not an easy exercise, but important.
gave in and read something i shouldn't have - i will never learn.
joy division's "love will tear us apart" is a beautiful sad song.
it breaks my heart.

cryptic = boring.

tonight i went to the Bravo!FACT screening, here in vancouver.
i watched some short short films.
met some interesting people.
ran into someone i haven't seen in years.
even handed out my card twice.
nice to be out and see the world is carrying on quite fine, thank you.
even without my participation.

why is relying on the kindness of others so very difficult?
i like kindness. i even suspect i deserve to be on the business end of kindness from time to time.
so, why does being the subject of kindness cause me to dissolve into a fit of near std-induced squirming?
how many times will i use the word kindness in this post?
another sign of immaturity, i guess.
christ, if it's not one thing it's another.
my body is aging - why must everything else remain underdeveloped?
riddle me that.

tomorrow i have to try to behave like a normal functioning human... on camera.
too funny.

well lookie here,
drunk, alone and at work.
yes. makes sense.
get this...i'm listening to perry como sing "when you were sixteen"
i was at a party. i left and no one followed.
now i'm trying to sober up over a vendor machine chocolate chip cookie and bottled water.
i am old.
old and tired.
just plumb tired.

it's late. i'm tired.
staying at work tonight.
so much to do...and even more procrastinating to be done!

i'm boring. don't waste your time on me.
get yourself a lingerie agent.
my favourites are agent lady and agent francoise.
oh to one day be clad is ridiculously expensive frilly things!

the daily comings and goings of prostitutes is hot content nowadays.
seems like every streetwalker with a laptop is starting up a blog.
it makes for pretty good reading...but come on girls, how many can we read.
i personally like belle du jour.
i've read a few others, but i simply cannot keep track of them all....
when i logged into blogger there were three new hooker-inspired blogs listed in the "recently published field".

what's a girl gotta do to get read nowadays?

i was not here.

twas a no-good-very-bad day.
went to superstore - apocalyptic.
being in that evil place i could feel sexism, ageism, racism - all the nasty -isms - threatening to overcome me.
31 years of a relatively pc upbringing compromised by the sheer filthy humanity of the place.
oh, it was so horrible.
almost made me reconsider the scorn i feel for designer shopping stores. sure, urban fare is insufferable, but at least you don't have the great unwashed breathing down the back of your shirt while gouging your heels with wheels.
and i could scarcely afford to pay for the groceries.
there was a terrifying moment when i thought i didn't have enough money...
thankfully, i found another $20 in my wallet.
i have $15 until payday.
oh me and my ways!

on the skytrain ride home from the miserable grocery shop,
i sat across from this pretty woman who was sandwiched between her two hyper sons.
she wore the deadest expression.
the boys were going through her purse, flicking her hair, shoving each other - basically being typically rotten little kids, as kids are prone to be.
from metrotown to columbia, she never once looked at them. she just stared out the window.
it was so sad. i wanted to grab her and make a run for it at the next station.
take her out and get her drunk. tell her she has really nice hair and gorgeous eyes.
that those two little boys may have snagged some of her dna, but they hadn't stolen everything from her.
don't get me wrong - this has nothing to do with the children. i'm willing to bet she has moments when she adores them.
but, that wasn't today.

on a happier note - i have a new online addiction.
torrent trading!
i have downloaded heaps and oodles of tracks today.
i pinched from suprnova.org, but there are lots of trading sites.
got me a little bright eyes, some outkast, the best of new order and a bit o' wilco.
ever so much better than kazaa.

i have packed a lunch for tomorrow.
spinach.
i have to make a doctor's appt. - it's been 4 yrs.
so, i have 4 yrs of neglect to make up for in a week.
i cannot face my doctor like this.

having moments where i keenly missed being the editor of the other press.
not too many months ago, i used to spend every weekend in a tiny bunker office located in the bowels of douglas college.
the office had no windows, the room smelled like unwashed men (because it was filled with unwashed men), the hours were inhumane and the pay was insulting at best.
i loved it.
some of my fondest memories ever can be traced back to the hours i spent in that tiny office.

and now when i see a copy of the OP , my fingers itch.
it is painful - the transformation the paper's undergone since another editor took over.
mind you, it's not all bad.
just not the way i would do it.
not the way i would do it at all.

i have issues with control, so i'm told.

why am i thinking and writing about this at 10 o'clock on a saturday night?
well it appears i have also have issues with popularity.

(earlier..)


so...it's saturday, huh?
right.

well, the snow's gone.
its a lovely foggy day.
seems like i should go outside and romp around.
but my romping muscles are rather atrophied.
i can see the park from my window.
gorgeous. huge trees.
bet the ducks would like a feeding.
now wouldn't that just be most picturesque?
feeding ducks, on a misty pond...
but it's all the way over there.
and really, i'm awfully scared of ducks.
i don't like their beaks and i don't fall for that comical waddle one bit.
they'd snap your finger off for a crumb of stale bread.
little buggers.

i'm sure i can find something to do inside.
maybe i'll go experiment with generous doses of nyquil and gravol.
ah the past times of the underenthused, the poor and the fantastically lazy.

i forgot...
look at the elvgren pin-up girl i've posted to your right...
see her shoes?
i have the same pair. no word of a lie.

also - don't forget...it's friday night conan.

the recently impregnated/cuffed gwynnie's gonna be on.
and, hot damn, phillip seymour hoffman.

unrequited love is the only kind that lasts

read that a few minutes ago on the last page of my book.
you reckon that's true?
yeah, me too.
sad, isn't it?

this bloody cough may kill me.

had a lovely lunch today.

work is crazy. i love it.

i'm incredibly stressed out, but i don't really know any other way to be.
at the moment, i can't remember the last time i really and for truly felt carefree.
probably some day in my twenties - and i must have been either too drunk or too stupid to mark the occasion.

really, now. i would like to stop coughing.
i picture my lungs looking like two empty hot-water bottles.

must remember to mind my "t"s and "d"s
as in "water" not "wahder"
"butter" rather than "budder" etc.
must also remember people will think i'm an ass for such careful pronunciation.
"puddin' on airs, is she?"

had the privilege of spending the evening with an absolute cherub. simple. uncomplicated. needy but incredible.

feeling mildly ill after healthy dinner consisting of 3 squares of a dairy milk chocolate bar and a couple handfuls of tostidos.

had 3 cans of diet pepsi today and 4 cigarettes.
didn't book doctor's or dentist's appt.
oh fuck it, i've accomplished nothing today.
well at least nothing on my list -
hold the phone, i did too!
i remembered to use moisturizer today.
that is something.

things i must take care of:
book doctor's appt, book dentist's appt,
phone shaw cable beg/plead for extended service until i can pay the bill, somehow get money to pay the bill, start using moisturizer, book appt with dermatologist (find out why i still need clearasil at 31), remove chipped nail polish, phone hydro - tell them i'll pay bill on 15th, somehow get money for the 15th, start exercising, get some decent exercise wear, drink more water, drink less pop, smoke less, get cough syrup, give up nose spray (eventually), BUY nose spray (asap!!), get some fake tanner, remember to use that shave-less-often moisturizer, buy razors, answer my emails, submit writing to someone (anyone?), book a massage, get money to afford the luxury of a massage, consider new tattoo, deal with student loans, GET NEW BANK ACCOUNT TO HIDE FROM STUDENT LOANS, save money for a trip to visit best friend and new baby in england, mail long long long overdue parcel to best friend and baby in england, print out this list to remind me of all the things i forgot to put on this list.

well, it's wednesday.
i've developed a nasty cough which appears to be exacerbated by the smoking.
less time to write about my sad little life and even less time to live it.

hmm...something positive?
well, there is much to be thankful isn't there?
i saw a man perform a "farmer's nose-blow" on the street and i was most thankful he was neither my mate nor my acquaintance.

i'm reading a good book.
a book that, by all rights, i should turn my nose up at - and yet i'm loving it.
in my experience, these are the best sort of books.
i have a pile of classics i swore i would read - and they sit on my bookshelf - looking impressive and disapproving.
i will read them all.
i promise.

a gal with no official secondary edumacation must keep well-read or face humiliation at the gatherings of her betters.
either that or stay very drunk and curse like a sailor.
the elite love a character.

blah.

i started off in a great mood this morning and now i'm crabby again.
first day back to work and i was looking forward to it.
but there is so much to do and i've so much on my mind.
this will sound ridiculous, but i am almost hoping to be struck with a serious illness.
a hospital stay would do me some good.
three hots and a cot. oh..that's jail.
well either/or.

why, i think i could almost...almost shed tears.
how distasteful.
i am a suck, looking for sympathy that i have no idea what to do with.

there will be a big snowstorm tomorrow.
maybe i'll fall and get a concussion.
i wouldn't mind being unconscious for a bit.

let us end this as it started.

blah.

Me christmas tree is daahhhn. it will be a Lionel Blaire gettin' it daahhhn the bleedin' apples 'n' pears. poor dried aahhht decrepit beast that it 'as become. i 'ave ter Scapa Fla ter Kathy Burke tonight. to prepare for wot promises ter be a 6's and 7's Bubble And Squeak.

time to waste? do what i do: translate your words into different dialects

now, i'm from the prairies,
and i insist on informing anyone who will listen - and even those who will not - that i love and miss the snow.
BUT, i will say this, snow in vancouver is all wrong.
it doesn't feel good.
it doesn't have the same crunchy charm as eastern snow.

so, i've had enough, ok?
i have no sensible shoes.
i rarely wear pants (i'm a skirt girl)
this is NOT working for me.

yet... it is nice not to have to slog through the rain.
my hair stays straight.

you see, i want it all.

opted out of painting the town red.
i suspect i would have had to open a vein to make it happen anyway.
will watch SNL and stay warm instead.

watched gangs of new york last night,
and i gotta say - fucking brilliant film.
so many people told me it was awful - apparently i know
many stupid people - because it was great!
i think i will buy it.
despite myself, i wound up quite liking dicaprio.
he turned into a man and - if only for a short while - a brunette with an accent and a rather lovely chest.
yet in typical fashion, i was turned on by daniel day-lewis.
i just love a despicable dark-haired brute.

you dance and drink and screw
because there's nothing else to do...

so says jarvis.

...


why oh why didn't i just go back to sleep?
car died on the way back from the grocery store.
had to carry pokey-edged products home in thin plastic bags.
did i mention it is arctic cold?
it will cost $50 to tow the hunk of shit.

i don't suppose i could be in a fouler mood.
people have never seemed so repulsive. rubber-necking over a stalled car. i wanted to smash in their common faces.

the ONLY good thing about today is that i had a beer and tomato juice cocktail for breakfast.

i need a little cartoon character, like the Great Gazoo, to sit on my shoulder and advise me.

calgon, take me away.

...
(kinder, gentler times)

silence is golden.
everyone disappoints you...
we all learn this very early in life...
so why does it always cause such slack-jawed shock?

i wish i could go back to sleep.
it is very tiring always looking at the big picture.
details can be soothing.
and now we're back to that disappointment bullshit.

it's fucking freezing here.

good night.
i've had enough of this.
the mania is fast edging toward depression.
teeter totter for one please.

im going out on the town tomorrow night.
it is wise for me to make plans i can't break.
this way if i'm still manic - i can burn some energy.
if i'm depressed - well at least i'll be far from the lure of my bed.

i have resolved to be less of a pushover this year.
i'm tired of waiting around for others to determine my fate.
it's really stupid. don't you know.

i will get what i want in 2004.

...

and the reason i am posting ad nauseum...
is that i am working on my blog tonight.
you know, fucking around with code...
and i have thoughts from time to time...
and i know it's friday night.
and it's not like i don't have other things to do...
oh no! i could be doing stuff.
fun stuff too.
but there's people out there
and tonight i hate them all.

kisses.

...
(moments ago)

and i will write my name upon you,
take you home to bed and keep you warm through the darkest night
and i wonder if you’re drunk enough to sleep with me tonight

do you love ballboy?
i mean, you really ought to.

...
(a short while ago)

this is very cool. convert your jpegs to ascii images
i need no incentive to waste time...but you might.

listening to the "lou reed djs" station. as in he chose all the music for this radio netscape plus station. good shit. go figure.

don't get excited, i'm probably not done yet.
i've lots to say and no one to talk to.

you lucky mutha fuckas

...
(earlier)



oh, if you must know...
the soup turned out beautifully.

psst...a secret...add a can of beer during the carcass phase.

cilantro, green beans, fresh dill, wee carrots, zucchini, onions
and a healthy dose of garlic.
i've a loaf of dark russian rye and some cheesy tasting butter to serve alongside.

food can be the last refuge.

i will lock myself away in the sauna tonight.
steam out my impurities.
a different woman will emerge.

just you wait and see.

...
(even earlier still)

communication is irreversible.
damn it all to hell.

i don't understand people who dislike prosciutto.

ma brought me in a right nice turkey carcass from the valley.
if i ain't boiling me up a pot of turkey soup this very minute!

yee haw.

...

(the earliest)




cash hang-over.
funny, i forgot i don't actually have any to spare.
i should have some sort of savings.
no worries, i will.
things always work out, don't they?

my parents are coming to take the family out to me 'n ed's pizza parlour.
my sister and her bf will meet us there.
i am annoyed for several reasons:

1) originally we were to go to an italian restaurant not 3 blocks from my place, but the sister and bf decided they can't eat any of the food there - so they requested a new venue - only a bit further from my place. a pub i'm rather fond of. - so no biggie.

2) they then came to the conclusion that they are unable to eat any of the food there either and so had my mom change things to me 'n' eds (irritating, difficult behaviour)

3) i ordered in pizza last night. that means i will be having left-over pizza tonight for supper. AND now i have to eat it for lunch too.

4) i called my sister and she acted like a retard when i threatened to call my mother up and suggest another restaurant - even though she had done the same thing TWICE.

5) after hanging up with her - we wound up having a dialing race to get through to my mother. i got thru first, but she rang through on the other line.

6) and the fucking clincher...we're eating pizza for lunch.

i want to hide in bed today. not only to sulk about the pizza - although that is seriously grounds enough - but i'm just not in the mood for any human relations. i'm not good at it. i wish i could limit my interaction to emails and perhaps - if we're very close - some instant messaging.

i took an online poll last night and was told that basically i've a lonely soul and i'll never REALLY gel with others. so i take that to mean i will die alone with only scads of socially awkward confrontations to slow my descent into the abyss.

you think i'm being dramatic? yeah. probably.
but, like bobby says:

It's the way that I wanna live (it's my prerogative)
I can do just what I feel (it's my prerogative)
No one can tell me what to do (it's my prerogative)
'Cause what I'm doing I'm doing for you

2004.
yup, yup, yup.
i mean really, what can you say?

my fingers are crazy cold.
i'm at work typing out the good old zed newsletter.
check your inboxes, my pretties.
solid gold.

my right hand it hurting me.
an old costco injury.
i love hand massages.
speaking of costco (see two lines up),
i am going to visit my old workplace for the first time since i left.
it is time.
i ran into an old co-worker at a party a few weeks ago and after catching up on gossip,
i realized i wouldn't mind visiting some of the old crowd.
i am still nervous about it.
i haven't set foot in the building since i quit.
costco is a weird place.
i will tell you all about it some time.

i must stop smiling at strangers on the street.
a bad habit from the "retail years".
causes nothing but trouble.

thankfully some money should be coming in tomorrow.
i am stealing toilet paper from work -
which since it's a government institution is probably a federal offense.
aren't criminals supposed to be sexy?

80-ish more hits and i'll reach 6000.
if i had a penny for every hit...
hoo-boy!