I leave for New York in 8 days. Wow. As usual, I am totally broke. I really need some dough. I'm seriously considering trying to sell some shit. But sadly, people won't pay much for shit. I could sell this laptop - but I wouldn't get much for it and it belongs to the CBC and I would get fired. If I don't spend a dime until I go, I will have ~ $500 CDN to last me 7 days. Good luck, right? Of course I get paid a couple of days AFTER I get back. Born to lose, baby. I need an indecent proposal sort of situation.

Work is crazy. My hair is looking like shit and I'm suffering through ugly days like nobody's business. This is unfortunate as it is VIFF time and there are oodles of social events to attend. Tomorrow night there is a function at Ginger Sixty-Two and a Cineworks party at the same time. I will attend both. I am amazing. Also, I scored tickets to the VIFF Anniversary Gala. All this and me with nothing but faded black crow's clothing. I will drink and wear lipstick. S'all good.

Dear Cancer,

Saturday, September 25

You may be asked to turn yourself inside out in one way or another today, dear Cancer. People may come up to you and bombard you in a way that makes you want to retreat into your protective shell. Let the steam run out of their engine before you pull out your witty, well-crafted retort. Your cutting sense of sarcastic humor is exactly what is needed to punch a hole in the potentially superficial landscape of the day.

Hmm ... I'm in an odd state, I reckon. The thoughts I've been entertaining lately should make me apprehensive, but for some reason I just can't get myself too worked up. I've just been enjoying myself. Instead of focusing all my energy on worrying and fretting, I'm really trying to relax. I've been busy, too. So that always helps. Tomorrow will be a crazy day, but I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow night there is a fashion show that a nice fellow from the ZeD invited me to. I've never been to a fashion show in Vancouver and it could be a whole wack of fun. Expanding my horizons and whatnot. I'm trying to be social and go out. I always dread leaving the house, but I usually wind up having a gay old time. And let's face it...like a smart woman once said to me (even though she stole it from Oprah) : "don't waste the pretty". This is good advice. I am 32. Realistically my comehither days are winding down. Of course, I'm concentrating on more important things than bees to honey - like getting organized, making money, etc - but, still...

If I've any pretty left, I best do my part. So I guess that means I had better spit out these Maynards Wine gums, brush my teeth and do a sit-up or two. How dull.

Oh so much to say... and so I will stick with the most recent and happy event. I just returned from the loveliest meal. We took a grand young lady out for her birthday to an Ethiopian restaurant. The food was incredible. The owner of the restaurant was so very kind that he made me tear up a few times. We met the artist who painted the traditional Ethiopian paintings covering the walls. He was charming and bigger than life. Everyone in the place was having such a wonderful time. People's faces took on that warm, well-fed sheen that only comes from sharing a meal with good company. When it came time to sing "Happy Birthday" every table joined in. It was an incredibly satisfying evening. For a solid three hours I didn't worry about a thing. I just enjoyed the very simple pleasures of eating and laughing and singing. So wonderful. I won't forget this evening and I will be certain to return to the same restaurant often. Not to try to recreate tonight - no -but to take a stab at something new.

Forgive my mush...

Man oh man, am I ever starting to hate lasagna. I am forcing myself to eat this salty lasagna and I am making myself ill in the process. I just forced a big slab down, not moments ago. I will be drinking gallons of water to try to undo some of the damage. I had a productive day at work. Some fantastic AIM conversations and a couple of nice cigarettes.

I rec'd most excellent news about my trip to NYC. My friend has a friend who lives in the same building as Britney - yes the Britney - in the city and he said we could stay there as he will be in Canada for Thanksgiving and I am very happy and no longer so worried about money and stress and guilt over money and other stuff and oh my god it's just gonna be so much fun and really we are going to live it up and totally we will do some shopping and ooh maybe we will see Britney and her new family even I though I heard 50 Cent was looking at Britney's pad and then hoo-boy would that be interesting. i mean really.

Yes.

I had a very relaxing weekend. I stayed in bed and didn't feel even a smidgen bit guilty. I watched hours of A&E's Cold Case Files and American Justice. Probably not very good for one's mental health - but I did enjoy myself. Sunday I wasted many hours making a lasagna that turned out to be too salty for consumption. I will eat it, of course. But, I sure won't enjoy it. Last night I went to see Hope of the States at Richard's. I thought they were quite smashing, if not a little over-coiffed. But they are very young fellows. Amazing musicians. No one else in my group liked them much. What can you do? Tomorrow I will attend a media shmooze-fest. You wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed for a skinny day.

Saturday, September 18

Don't get discouraged if it seems like everyone else is getting a piece of the pie except for you, dear Cancer. Your time will come, but unfortunately, it probably won't be today. While you may want to sink deep into tender feelings and graceful sensitivity, others may want to float on the surface and dabble in their fantasy worlds. Feel free to escape in your own world for a while, but don't be surprised if others aren't eagerly following.

Spooky. I couldn't have said it better myself. What is it about getting old that makes astrology seem like a viable source of information? Go figure.

This just in: On Conan Drew Barrymore just admitted that she is a drooler. I too dabble in a little drift-off drooling. So the way I see it, we're practically twins. Yes.

Well, if I didn't just have the best day. My friend took me for a spin on his motorcycle as promised. So much fun. When I was a young girl, my dad used to take me out on his bike. I always felt completely safe on the back of a bike and I still do. I may be a bit too fearless. It doesn't seem to matter how fast or winding the ride - I want it faster and twistier. Oh, just so much fun. We didn't go to Da Kine as it was shut down by the nasty Vancouver police. No fun for us. But we consoled ourselves over sangria and tasty enchiladas on the outdoor patio at Havana. It was a perfect sunny autumn day. Bright and clear. A wonderful stolen afternoon.

I turned down sooooooo many invites tonight. I mean, really now. Just ridiculous. First there was dinner with Vera, John and Jarrett and then drinks, movies and happy good times with Lisa, Mark and others and then of course there could have been a New West pubcrawl with Kerry and co. and we mustn't forget the show at the Ironworks and that other show at the Anza club. Did you catch all those different names? Oh you wouldn't know them. Just very important people who would have looooooved my company tonight. I chose to stay in tonight. I'm sure I was missed terribly. Poor souls.

I do think I will hit the town tomorrow night. Going out the last couple of days reminded me that I am still capable of not only having fun, but also I can be fun. I have been spending too much time lately fussing and farting over things I can't control. Being out in the sun today, having a laugh over alcohol-infused fruit, I felt good. After such a nice day I really don't mind staying home alone tonight. It's all about balance - not generally my thing. But, I am learning.

Oh yeah, one more thing. On my walk home, some smarmy fellow in a big fancy black car pulled up alongside me and asked if I went to UBC with him. I told him he was mistaken and then he asked me "where do you come from...originally?" I answered, "Winnipeg." He of course meant my nationality. He explained that I looked hot-blooded, like an Italian woman or someone from some place "hot and passionate." I mumbled a thank-you and shrugged and watched him drive away. I immediately forgot the guy and instead started to obsess over what an asshole I am. Yes, my nationality is "Winnipeg". Funny though. And hot-blooded? I'm a Scot/Celt/Kraut - about as uptight and icy as they come. I don't know what's going on, but over the past few days the pomaded, gold-chained set have been really digging me. I don't get propositioned all that often, but this week the slimeballs have got my number. If PMS induced bloating, tight pants and a snarly expression makes me look "hot-blooded" and appealing, I should consider moving south.

I am going to get a good night's sleep and just takereasy. Tomorrow I disinfect my apartment.
Now, I will read a book until Conan.

Wow. I just reread what I wrote last night. What a nerd! And the grammar... Sad, sad lady. Typing and eating and boasting about wine-drinking. It is earlyish in the morning. I am tired and for some reason bloated. Can't imagine why. I must rise and shine, shine, shine! Today I've been promised a motorcycle ride and a trip to Da Kine. Yes, a place where my absolute lack of coolness ought to bust on through. Timely though and I do love motobike rides. Clap, clap, clap!

Ok, enough now. I have expressed regret over writing in this thing last night, told you about my plans for the day, complained about my self-image...I think we're good to go.

Time to go put on make-up. Smashing.

A bit in the bag right now. Just returned from wine-drinking with friends. It was a wonderful time. I resisted going, but I am very glad I gave in. Met up with a woman who used to work for ZeD. We had a great time. We were shamelessly hit upon. Good for a nice old lady's ego. I only mention it because it's only fun if others know. On the way home I picked up water, chocolate macaroons and lots of water. As I write this, I am drunkenly stuffing myself with junk food and watching Conan O'Brien. So, yeah - I'm hardly paying attention to you all. Expensive day today. I bought my passport for $95 fucking clams. Can you believe that? And then I paid for my plane ticket to NYC. I am one poor whino. Oh yeah, I also bought Guacamole Doritos. I best enjoy the male attention I rec'd tonight. I reckon I should gain a good 12 pounds tonight. Fun. But, holy-moly, these chips rock. Much nicer than boys. Oh, it's the Emmys on Sunday. Mmmph...crunch...can't do this and eat chips at the same time. Something's gotta give.

Goodnight poodles.

Important update:
The bad smell has been located and eradicated. Brocolli in Gladware. Most unpleasant.

Oh, and by the by - I am feeling right disgusting today. Greasy, bloated and other ugly human traits... Relax. Let your children play out of doors. I will remain inside until this passes.

There is a bad smell in my apartment. I have no idea what it could be. I am starting to wonder if it is coming from a neighbour. Come to think of it I haven't heard from the rutting couple upstairs for a couple of nights. Perhaps they've done eachother in. All not kidding aside, I'm a bit of a freak when it comes to bad smells. Not that most people enjoy a stench or anything, but I'm particularly sensitve. I find it upsetting.

Things are weird right now. I can't decide if it's an all-for-the-best weird or a too-bad-so-sad weird. Like sex with the lights on - can be revealing and fun or something that makes you feel self-conscious and has you squeezing your eyes shut, waiting for it to be over while you pray you don't come off as a prude. No matter, this is neither the time nor the place for such discussions. I don't think I've had so many discussions as I've had this year. Perhaps there is something to be said for good old-fashioned repression.

But what I really care about right now is the source of this funny smell.

Thursday, September 09

It might be time to face a recent failure you've experienced, dear Cancer. No one is exempt from the disappointment of not succeeding at something they try. It's part of the process of reaching goals, regardless of who you are and what you've done in the past. Even the most accomplished people have had to face this. Everything does work out as it's meant to.

these are getting better all the time.

I'm stilil feeling a bit under the weather. Very tired today. However, moreover and furthermore, I just had a lovely dinner on the beach with the most charming young blonde thing. A run-in with a rather dead seagull cut the evening short - but with no regrets. Tonight I will make a nice to-do list. I reckon it's a time for hunkering down and focusing. I rec'd a call from a friend from my magazine internship days. It was a welcome surprise. We will go out for drinky-poos. She's a good sort to talk to. We have much in common and I always appreciate her perspective. She has a keen eye for self-destructive behaviour. Smart.

I'm on the mend. You know, I don't really know if I'm coming or going, but I'm learning. Even though it's only been a few hours since I posted my usual I-hate-everything-poor-me post, I feel more positive. Things aren't even minutely all that bad. Why, just tonight some grown-up tried to pick me up at the local Safeway and believe you me - I looked like a sack of shit. He wasn't my type, (expensively dressed, but way too straight - probably had a nice car), but still. It was interesting that a fellow of that stature would even take notice. And yes, he was a bit of a creep - I mean who really tries to chat up women in a grocery store queue. A creep who spends hours trolling supermarkets, that's who. He offered to help carry my bags to my car. Of course, I don't have a car, so thankfully that ended things right there. Now, what was my point again? Yes, things could be worse. A lady likes the flattery - even from a gentleman who doesn't even remotely float her boat.

I'm still sick. I left work early today. I am very bitchy. I would feel sorry for the poor people who have to deal with me if I didn't hate them all so much right now. I hate my sore throat, I hate how the rain is making my hair curl, I hate all my clothes, I hate my apartment, I hate what I had for dinner, I hate that I can't never have no fun, I hate the toe cramp I am getting right now, I hate how behind I am at work, I hate the overdue bills hiding under the Safeway bag on my kitchen counter, I hate the dirty dishes sitting in my kitchen sink, I hate the gross, wiry hair I found in my steamed pork bun, I hate my upstairs neighbour who fucked a strip off his girlfriend until the wee hours of the morning waking every poor soul within a 3 block radius...

That was fun. Where's my fucking Vicks Vapo-rub?

I am sick. Fever is giving everything a white and crispy edge. I should write something. Who knows? Perhaps my hot little mind would produce something interesting. But my throat hurts and my eyeballs feel small, dry and heavy. Sleep is probably a sounder option.

Vicks, please?

Monday, September 06

You may need to deal with disapproval today, dear Cancer. This will likely come from someone you see as either a superior or an authority figure - perhaps a parent or a teacher. While it's important to listen to them, if what they have to say involves your personal life and how you choose to live it, rest assured that it is no one's concern but yours. Try to remember that, no matter what you do, someone will disapprove somewhere!

Funny.

Me-oh, my-oh, what a spectacularly rough Saturday night. I won't go into the details (you don't want to know and I just don't have the energy to tell you), but trust me, it sucked. Many malted milk balls and a taped episode of Late Night later, things began to improve - slightly.

What I really need is one of them slate cleaners. I've done some flaky things over the years. I'm afraid I'll never be able to live it down. Once upon a time most people assumed I was very capable. I was the competent one. Organized. Grounded. I threw nice dinner parties, made good dinners, did my own taxes, did the holidays up right...and so on and so on. Things have changed, but I can and still want to do all those things. Blah, blah blah - sorry, I just totally lost interest in this subject. I can only imagine how tiresome it must be for any poor soul reading this.

I had a lovely dinner. A little salmon, a little chicken, a potato or two. Good stuff. You know, canteloupe flavoured Jelly Bellies taste incredibly like the real deal.

Friday night - yo. Tonight I will wash that grey right out of my hair. I had entertained fantasies of allowing myself to go grey - thinking I would be some silvery fox or something. But today I went and had my passport photo taken and then - for fun - I compared the mugshot to my old passport photo taken 10 years ago. Wow. I mean, wow. So, yeah. I'm dying my hair tonight. And then I'm going to put on loose pants and watch television. Pretty fucking hot, huh?

Only moments ago I found out that tonight there is a modern dance thingie going on. I would have gone, possibly - maybe. I mean I WAS downtown and I DID have lipstick on. And my dance card was decidedly empty. Some ZeD folks were supposed to be there - woulda been fun. But now, I'm cozied up at home and I have a date with some harsh chemicals and hot pink nail polish.

I think I'm off the cigarettes. I just can't seem to choke one down. How annoying. I suppose now I will develop an addiction to chocolate almonds or something.

Anyhoo, I'm not getting any younger looking talking to you lot.